My friend Julia checks in with me now and then. She often specifically asks me “How are you doing?” – knowing Julia well enough to know she isn’t looking for the standard “I am fine” answer. She is asking how I am really doing and she is probably the one person I have admitted to that it is not really fine.
I know it may sound weird because Emma is nearly 9 weeks so we should be adjusted, have our routine and be more settled and I suppose we are but the last two weeks have been emotionally rough for me. Five people need me ALL.THE.TIME. FOR.EVERYTHING! ALL.THE.TIME! My head hurts at the end of the day from the constant “MOM! I need…” and “MOM where’s my…” and “MOM whats for supper?” and “MOOOOMMMM I NEEEEEED YOOOOU”
This week the tears have been there, waiting to burst through at any moment. I am overwhelmed totally with life at the moment – the children, the budget that just will not work out, the washing, the cleaning, the fetching and carrying, the cooking – all of it.
It was my birthday yesterday – all I wanted was a day on my own. No kids, no husband, no friends – just me doing NOTHING! No shopping for groceries, buying birthday presents, folding washing, cleaning – NOTHING. Sitting on my couch next to Woody, shoes all over the floor, empty mugs on the table watching TV all day! Tuning reality out just for one day and doing NOTHING!
Everyone keeps saying ‘I don’t know how you do it’ – at the moment – neither do I! I am in that “survival” mode new moms talk about. One foot in front of the other, get through today and then worry about tomorrow.
This afternoon is making so anxious I could actually cry. I fetch Jack and Kiara on a Thursday so my afternoon looks like this
13h00 Fetch Jack
13h45 Fetch Kiara
14h00 Fetch Cameron
14h40 Kiara to dance
16h00 Kiara fetched from dance
16h30 Cameron to soccer
So worst case scenario the 2 year old and the baby are in the car for almost 4 hours! Even worst case scenario I bring everyone home while Kiara dances which means Jack out car, Emma out car, settle Emma, then Jack back in car, Emma back in car.
I love my children and I love my husband but at the moment the responsibility of being a mother to four children and a wife feels too big for me.
Julia also says “this too shall pass” and I know it will –
probably in 18 years but today, today is rough!
In other more positive news – I had a really positive parents evening at Kiara’s school last night. All the teachers were super positive about her. It was the first positive one in 5 years :))