The one where I am honest!

My friend Julia checks in with me now and then. She often specifically asks me “How are you doing?” – knowing Julia well enough to know she isn’t looking for the standard “I am fine” answer. She is asking how I am really doing and she is probably the one person I have admitted to that it is not really fine.

I know it may sound weird because Emma is nearly 9 weeks so we should be adjusted, have our routine and be more settled and I suppose we are but the last two weeks have been emotionally rough for me. Five people need me ALL.THE.TIME. FOR.EVERYTHING! ALL.THE.TIME! My head hurts at the end of the day from the constant “MOM! I need…” and “MOM where’s my…” and “MOM whats for supper?” and “MOOOOMMMM I NEEEEEED YOOOOU”

This week the tears have been there, waiting to burst through at any moment. I am overwhelmed totally with life at the moment – the children, the budget that just will not work out, the washing, the cleaning, the fetching and carrying, the cooking – all of it.

It was my birthday yesterday – all I wanted was a day on my own. No kids, no husband, no friends – just me doing NOTHING! No shopping for groceries, buying birthday presents, folding washing, cleaning – NOTHING. Sitting on my couch next to Woody, shoes all over the floor, empty mugs on the table watching TV all day! Tuning reality out just for one day and doing NOTHING!

Everyone keeps saying ‘I don’t know how you do it’ – at the moment – neither do I! I am in that “survival” mode new moms talk about. One foot in front of the other, get through today and then worry about tomorrow.

This afternoon is making so anxious I could actually cry. I fetch Jack and Kiara on a Thursday so my afternoon looks like this

13h00 Fetch Jack
13h45 Fetch Kiara
14h00 Fetch Cameron
14h40 Kiara to dance
16h00 Kiara fetched from dance
16h30 Cameron to soccer

So worst case scenario the 2 year old and the baby are in the car for almost 4 hours! Even worst case scenario I bring everyone home while Kiara dances which means Jack out car, Emma out car, settle Emma, then Jack back in car, Emma back in car.

I love my children and I love my husband but at the moment the responsibility of being a mother to four children and a wife feels too big for me.

Julia also says “this too shall pass” and I know it will – probably in 18 years   but today, today is rough!

In other more positive news – I had a really positive parents evening at Kiara’s school last night. All the teachers were super positive about her. It was the first positive one in 5 years :))

14 thoughts on “The one where I am honest!

  1. All though I don’t have 5 people who want my attention, I get what you say. Constantly being on stand by. Everyone wanting a piece of you. It sucks some days.

  2. Happy Birthday! I hope you managed at least a little bit of quiet time yesterday.
    Hope you’re feeling strong again soon. x

  3. Thinking of you. I hated playing mom’s taxi. I know that we take all our grand kids from time to time to give our children breaks. Often for entire weekends. I know your parents are far away….don’t you have family or D’s parents that will just take the little ones for a few hours?

  4. Happy birthday for yesteday sorry to hear you having a rough time at the moment sending happy vibes your way

  5. I feel so terrible for just disappearing off the face of the earth but I’ve needed (and still do for the next 4 days) to survive.

    We are going to make a plan SOON and catch up good and proper!

    But I will say this – even driving up and down from the office to the cbd (all of 8 km) annoys me to no end so I can only imagine all of your up and down WITH kids (and SMALL kids at that!).

    You are amazing – don’t forget that, ok?

  6. It is tough, it is tiring and yes, many a tear fell when I was in your position. Victoria would just fall asleep and then I have to wake her to fetch the brothers and she would scream and scream………………….

    I truly understand, Love you.

  7. Laura, you are a fantastic mom – one of the strongest ladies that I currently know. You are doing the best possible at this given time. Please know that I am always here for you please you can call me anytime really. Please, I will take Emma anyday for a few hours for you even if you just wanna chill and do NOTHING like you say… Just give me a shout. I wouldnt offer if I didn’t want to …. Let me know. Big hug for you… You are your families ROCK and are coping just FINE! Don’t listen too all the how are you coping ???? That annoyed be big time when I had my twins! Honestly best advice just smile and wave when you get asked that question!

  8. Honey, it can ONLY get better. I hope you had a good weekend – one that included even just a little bit of downtime.

    (hugs)xx

  9. I’m sorry you had such a rough day and are struggling to find the balance my friend but I honestly think we’re all going through it. It’s really all too much sometimes. I just want to be able to go to the loo on my own ONE time!

    xxx

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