Single men dating single moms
There has been alot of posts in single-parent land about dating another single parent and how the single parent deals with dating!
But what about the single man/women who chooses to date a person with kids?
How do they feel?
On Friday night I had a discussion about this that really opened my eyes to the other side of it! And then Sunday I was faced with questions from a single guy that I had never really considered either!
When a single guy decides to date a women with kids he has alot to consider. And its not just his effect on the children. Because ultimately kids are resilient and tougher than we give them credit for.
They also have to consider the ex-husband or baby-daddy. It has never really been much of an issue for me because my kids father is a time-share dad so not around enough for it to really matter.
But what about the dad who is involved. The one who pitches every second weekend and once during the week? The one who takes his kids on holidays and attends school functions? What happens then?
Well ultimately the single-guy then embarks on a three-way relationships with the mother and the ex. He becomes intertwined in all their lives and has to deal with everything that may arise from that.
Isnt that pretty scary? Well it scares me if the roles were flipped around! So I can totally understand hesitation from single guys to make a commitment to women with children. Granted it is something you can work around and millions of families make it work BUT I still understand the hesitation.
Because not only do you have to consider your partner when making a decision, like moving? Or going on a holiday! But you now need to consider the ex too.
Thats pretty hectic isnt it!
My kids met a friend of mine on Sunday. Before he met them he asked me how my ex would respond if he found out. I can honestly say it has never actually occured to me what he thinks. He is so uninvolved that I really dont think he deserves the right to say anything!
But the fact remains that these are things that concern single guys! It is what influences their decision to date a single mom and they are things that need to be considered!
February 25th, 2009 at 4:52 am
I definitely see your point. Haley’s dad has the same non-involvement, so the thought would never occur to me either. But I guess it definitely might cross the mind of a potential step-dad!
February 25th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Soldier used to say this to me a lot. That he was always hesitant about dating a single mom because he would in essence, have to get along with his g/f’s ex as well. He would say that a single mom would be bringing her past into her current relationship.
Then I’d have to remind him that every time he’d assume I was going to act like one of his exes, he was bringing his past into our relationship as well.
But ok, yeah yeah… at least I get along with my ex. It could be much worse, right?
February 25th, 2009 at 6:42 am
It’s not just the “single” person who has these thoughts. I’m a little bit ashamed to admit it but I would be really nervous about dating a single dad. On one hand, seeing how he is with his ex and his kids would give me a lot of insight into what kind of person he is, but on the other hand, I have enough stress and drama and difficulty dealing with my parenting situation…I’m not really sure I want to be involved with someone else with the same issues. Maybe if I met someone I was interested in, it might be different but in the abstract hypothetical sense, it seems terrifying for me!
Here’s one I don’t think I’ll ever understand: What on earth would ever prompt a single woman (and certainly a single mom!) to date a single father like your Ex or mine who is not involved in his children’s lives?!!? Talk about blazing red flag! I’m sure my Ex tells his girlfriend the same thing he tells everyone else (even himself?) which is that I don’t let him see the kids. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out though…five minutes of conversation with him should show the truth pretty clearly. And yet, he has no problems getting dates (his girlfriend lives out of town but if the rumors around his work are true, he’s rarely alone).
Anyway, I wrote a while back about my fears about dating another parent: http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-minds-just-racing-tonight.html It’s really a scary thing!
February 25th, 2009 at 6:55 am
Imagine what a mess it could turn out if it’s a single mom and a single dad and the previous partners also have new significant partners now, then you’d have 6 people telling the kids what to do!
February 25th, 2009 at 8:25 am
My ex husband dated me with two small kids back then. Kevin was 4, Liam 1…. and he has grown to be the one they call dad….. and I can’t say we ever had any issues… we always showed a united front to the boys dad and the boys.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Wondermom – I have actually wondered the same thing but I assume the story being conveyed is one that lays blame on our door! Or it suits the women to not have kids to worry about?
Wenchy – the united front is how I would like things to work out BUT it is still something the guy has to consider and be ok with doing you know! So its like an EXTRA in the relationship that not everyone wants to deal with!
T – even with a ex like yours it is still a consideration – I think more so with an ex like yours who is positively involved!
February 25th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I think I have a weird situation compared to most people. My ex and I get along well – way better than we EVER did while together. I have had issues with all the different women he has dated (not because I’m jealous but because of how my son gets attached to a woman & then his dad is moving on and moving in with yet another one) but I’ve gotten along with them all. And when I am in a relationship my son’s dad is always nice to them and gets along with them on the occasions they are around each other. It’s funny – I’ve never stopped and thought what a single guy feels like going into a relationship with me but I’ve certainly considered what I would feel like dating a single dad and I generally avoid that situation…weird. Great post – it got me thinking!
February 25th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Interesting post!
I must say it was something I used to worry about wrt to getting divorced. Who would want someone used and lugging 2 kids around..? Eventually that was the least of my concerns though…
My first post marriage fling was a guy a few years younger than me and with no kids, and has never been married. I KNEW that would never work. He would never cope with my kids. My boys did meet him (I have known him for a few years) and sort of liked him but not really.
Current SO has an impressively functional relationship with his ex and is VERY involved with his kids. It is commendable actually on both their parts. I have met her – very briefly – and am sure I will have more interaction with her in time. As with both of them though my focus is on the well being of the children and I do think when that’s the case it tends to work out well. I see no point in clashing or causing conflict of any kind.
I do know though that any interaction with MY ex will not be pleasant, but then he won;t even look at or talk to me, so I doubt he is planning on interacting with any partner I may have either. *sigh*
February 25th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
See Tishia thats just IT! We look at it from OUR side – which is understandable but there is another side that needs to be respected! And we cant get mad and say “oh my boyfriend wont step up” when actually he has valid reasons for being hesitant!
February 25th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Wow… fascinating post and awesome comments. I have no experience of this, but I know someone whose dad is on wife number four. Each woman has kids by this man, and they (the wives) are all great friends and go away on holiday together with all the kids and the man. Now THAT is weird, in my opinion. What impact does that have on the kids’ views of relationships? And are the women really ok with what’s going on?
So, I guess that single dad and single mom dating isn’t quite as complicated as it gets
February 25th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Interesting post. I’m sure men DO consider our kids father’s a factor when choosing to date a single mom. How can they not? Another question would be how the ex thinks of the boyfriend. In many cases the boyfriend has more contact with our kids than our exes and I’ll bet THEY are more bothered by the boyfriend than the other way around!
February 25th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I agree with what you are saying and there are always outlying factors in dating, even if you dont have kids or an ex. Perhaps a mother or sibling…
I am a single mother and my ex is nary involved a few days out of the year… maybe. But in this situation, I worry about my kids becoming too attached or that mans fear of being a ‘replacement dad’ too quickly in my kids eyes.
My children are now teenagers and it is not so much a worry as it was. But there will always be ’something’ that dating a new person will challenge us with. It is worth it.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Being a single mom with an interefring ex can be a problem, and has been for me for a few years. Many men ran in the opposite direction when they saw his rantings and aggressive behaviour ot me in front of them, and as Laura says, U think to yourself, why didnt my BF step up, but in hindsight, is it his place when the relationship is brand new and his feeling his way around?? And does he really wanna get involved in all of that??
February 25th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
My childrens fathers are both out of state and barely involved in their lives. The girls are 17 and 10. I bet it would be strange for a guy to have to deal with that age group anyway, let alone have to deal with my exes. Guess I never really thought about it much. Loved this post.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Since Rooferman moved on to the next girl so quickly, this thought is always on my mind. Just because she makes all the deicions for my ex, and really, sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with her more than him. I wonder if the single dad that I date may still be in some kind of dysfunctional relationship with his ex. Honestly though, I would be incredibly inspired and turned on by a man who can co-parent, obviously since this is so foriegn to me.
February 25th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
I’m an involved single dad, and my ex has a boyfriend. He sometimes shows up for stuff, sometimes doesn’t. Just as he sometimes shows up at her house, and sometimes doesn’t. The kids never know what to expect from him. They can’t count on him. And they don’t. They know their mom is their mom, and I am their dad, and WE are the two adults who will always be in their lives. It just needs to be clear who are the decision makers and responsible parties.
I’ve had two girlfriends who met the kids, so I’ve seen both sides. It can be tricky for all parties to get along.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Laura – nice write up, and great feedback from all your readers. Its a rough topic and our discussion on friday night – I think I should probably do a post of my own to discuss in more detail what we briefly touched on.
I’m liking the insite that this is providing.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
hhmmm… i obviously never dated enough to have that dilemma- but my son’s father has never been involved either. one thing i was told more than once is that single-moms are seen as “easy” because they’re “desperately lonely” and that infuriated me!
nice piece.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
thank you for this X
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Hi there
I’m 26 years old and my daughter 2 years, there’s a single guy that has the “I WANT U EYES” when he looks at me but ever since he saw me with my baby it changed and now i know why, hahaha thanks but i also think if his really serious he would approached by now….