On being an amoral freak
Rachel over at Single Mom Seeking caused a bit of a stir recently when she wrote about one of her first dates after becoming a single mom! I am not going to go into the reasons why – go read her post if you want to know! The reasons are not what this post is about!
The comments left in response to her post ARE the point! One of the comments left stated
‘Until you’re done lactating, keep it in your pants.’
This really annoyed me! Lets assume for a second that I am married, happily so and I advocate breastfeeding. My child is 4 and we are still nursing. This implies that I should not engage in any sexual activity with my husband? A man who I am attracted to and is attracted to me? SERIOUSLY?
Now lets go back to reality – like Rachel lets say I found myself single with an infant still nursing and again wanted to do it for as long as possible. This again implies I should not partake of anything sexual? SERIOUSLY?
Now my issues is NOT the breastfeeding. It is the fact that woment still have this incredible closed and traditional idea of what a mother should be.
Yes I am a mother BUT I am so much more too. The day I fell pregnant did not erase everything I was and would become in lieu of being a mother! There is so much more to be than being someones mom. Yes it is the role that demands most of my attention and energy. Yes it is the most important role but it is not the only thing that defines me!
I am a friend, a colleague, a sister, a daughter, and yes I am lover.
In her post Rachel took a beating for dating, for being sexual, for wanting to date. WHY?
I do not understand why, when you become a mother your need to loose your sexuality? Why is considered bad to WANT sex, to WANT to go out with a man? And here I include married couples.
I enjoy sex. I enjoy feeling wanted. I enjoy the touch of a mans hand on the small of my back. I enjoy being held but arms that engulf me. None of this my children can provide nor should they have to. None of these feelings are unnatural or dirty. In fact they are vital to my functioning and being able to provide a healthy environment for my children.
Then a comment was left on my blog the day after I responded to Rachel. It was in response to a post I had made about sex stating I was “another amoral freak who doesnt deserve to have kids”.
There you have it people – if you enjoy sex you are amoral and shouldnt have kids!
I was told over the weekend I psychologically evaluate everything and I think I do actually. So my take on why this lady felt the need to share her constructive criticsm with me and why for 156 comments a fellow single mom was attacked is because we embrace what they fear.
We are proud to be women and mothers. We embrace all that we are and celebrate it. It is easier to judge and attack than to look inwards and face your own demons and insecurities.
My aim is to teach both my kids to become well rounded and balanced adults who embrace all that they are and can be and understand that they are the sum of all their parts – not merely one part!
Tags: being a mom, breastfeeding, dating as a single mom, more than a mother, raising healthy children
March 10th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Amen sista!! Of course you knew I’d be in complete agreement…
March 10th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I think that’s a very healthy way to look at it Laura.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:39 am
When I see comments like that I just have to shake my head and sigh.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
What a great post – you put it so wonderfully. Parenting is the most important job but not what defines us. We are more! And that includes sexual wants and needs!
I think most of us blog to have an accepting little community outside the real world. And while I feel it’s ok to leave constructive criticism or comments on someone’s blog an ATTACK is unnaccetable. It just goes to show that some people have too much time on their hands.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Thats just it Vinomom – I dont mind if you disagree with me – it makes for healthy debate! But attack me, call me names – that is not constructive!
March 10th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Like you, I do not feel defined as a mother… if I did I think I would feel like I couldn’t breathe! There is so much more to me!!!
I too love to feel sexual desire and I need that interaction and to be honest there is NOTHING quite like it… it is a sexual need that no amount of parenting can fulfill.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Like minds! I posted today about the attacks on single moms lately, including myself and Rachel. “We embrace what they fear” I love that and it’s so true!
March 10th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Just added your link on my post since I liked your take on this issue too.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
The good thing that’s come out of all of this? I’ve added about 5 new single moms to my blogroll because of it. I’m SO glad to hear more and more single moms speaking out. It’s up to us now.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
I think it’s great for single moms to be dating and sexual, whether they are lactating or not. Should a lactating mom let a one-night-stand taste her breast milk? That seems a little weird to me. And I’m no prude, I’m all for exchanging bodily fluids through oral sex. I have no problem with a husband tasting the breast milk that’s intended for his children. But a one-night-stand with some random guy? Um… sorry.
Aside from that – I think it’s great for single moms to be dating and sexual. Single dads, too.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I ditto Wenchy’s comment 100% …
March 11th, 2009 at 3:40 am
I just want to follow up that I don’t think the issue is really whether or not we agree w/ Single Mom Seeking’s post…it’s the fact that the attack on her got a lot broader and targeted Single Moms in general as opposed to permiscuity (she didn’t say four guys ran a train on her, she hooked up with a guy, big deal)
The Single Mom aspect seemed to be looked down on just as much as the hook up/lactating issue. What’s up with that?? Maybe looked down on isn’t the right word so much as it was all lumped in together like “This is what all single moms do and this is why our kids are F’d up” etc etc
March 11th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Not sure if I’m going to start some kind of CONTROVERSY here, but what’s been said about NO SEX while “LACTATING” makes one wonder about the whole concept of THINGS changing once a couple is married etc etc.
Assuming that it’s done the “right way” i.e. marriage, then kids & suddenly she won’t GIVE HIM ANY / PLEASE HIM / WHATEVER because she’s breast-feeding??
Um (& I’ve gotta say this) – makes you wonder why some men go “astray”…
March 11th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I wrote in response to that same horrible comment. So many of the people agreed that single mothers should isolate themselves sexually once they have a baby, and it infuriated me! They told Rachel that she had sex with a mentlly unstable man, and now she had to deal with the consequences of him leaving her. IE: NEVER DATING AGAIN.
I think married people forget how lonely it is to be a single parent, or else they wouldn’t condemn us to solitary confinment so easily.
March 15th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Spot on Laura! Holy hell… does this woman expect me not to have wanted sex for the almost 17 years I was a single mom until I met Glugs!!?! I had a couple of realtionships in that time but I was mostly single, and I like sex too!!!
October 18th, 2009 at 3:22 am
[...] that some single parents are missing out on intimacy. If you want to reclaim your sexuality and embrace your womanhood, go for it! But if you jeapardize your child’s physical, emotional, or mental health simply [...]