Rights of Dads
Wonder Moms blog post over the weekend prompted this post!
It’s something I think about often. Having now had to deal with divorce and custody and our legal system, I can see how dads who want to be involved can so easily get a raw deal.
The law is still very geared to the rights of the mother and almost exclude the father. He is seen mainly as a financial factor. To me, this is not right. I blogged a while ago about a father who lost his battle to prevent the mother of his child taking their son out of the country. It was a heartbreaking story.
Wonder mom poses some very real and hard questions. Like should a father have a say in the termination of a pregnancy. What if he is ready and able to look after a child and the mother isn’t? What if he wants the child and she doesn’t? Should she still have the unilateral decision to terminate the life? Or to give the child up for adoption? Should the decision lie solely with her?
Personally I don’t think so. I totally get the whole “it’s her body argument” but I still believe it should be a joint decision and I would go as far as to say I believe the court should step in.
I am very anti abortion so this possible clouds my feelings on this but honestly if the child is wanted then what gives the mother the right to make the decision to terminate or to give the child away?
Isnt that child, for want of a better word, half his? If we demand money from him for half the expenses then shouldn’t we at least try and involve him in the decision making if that is what he wants?
I firmly believe that the child’s father needs to be involved as much as possible in the child’s life – if it is what he wants and he does it with the child’s best interest at heart. So I am referring here to the good dads. The ones who pitch, who pay, who phone, who help, who are involved. The courts need to support dads more who want that. Currently, from what I have experienced, fathers do not have correct support. There are cases where the children are better off with the father. I have witnessed cases like that! I have seen dads fight really hard but come up against old laws that believe the mother is always the best place for the child to be!
Now before you all attack me and sight arguments about your dead beat ex. I am not talking about them here. I am talking purely about the men who man up and take responsibility for that which is there’s.
May 5th, 2009 at 3:53 am
You know I’m not going to attack you! This is a difficult thing for me because I do think the children need to be taken care of and I do think that BOTH parents should take responsibility for their choices, but I realize that mothers have more options than fathers.
Maybe a more “fair” system would allow a man who doesn’t want a child the option to sever his parental rights and walk away forever. This wouldn’t apply to a man who is divorcing (or breaking up) after the children have reached a certain age and he has established himself as their father. At that point, he’s already made his choice and he has certain obligations. But when the pregnancy is discovered or shortly after the baby is born, he could say that he wants no involvement and that would be that. That way the mother could make her decision about whether to have the baby and whether to keep it or give it up for adoption or whatever knowing that she’s going to be doing it completely alone with no financial support. She can still hate him and say he’s a jerk and a deadbeat and feel like it’s not fair that she’s taking care of the baby alone, but she made her choice knowing full well that she would be doing it alone.
Of course, such a system does raise the question about what happens down the road if/when the father changes his mind and wants to be a part of the child’s life. Adopted children and children who have never known one parent often start to seek out their absent parents around their early teens. So when a 12-year old says he wants to confront his father, what then? If they hit it off, does Dad start paying child support from that point forward? Or does he have to pay back support in exchange for the right to get to know his child? Or can he press charges against the child for stalking or something since he said he never wanted to be contacted?
There’s not an easy answer. Maybe just thinking about it and talking about it is a start toward understanding “the other side”.
Thanks for your thoughts and the shout out!
May 5th, 2009 at 5:42 am
I fully agree with you Laura, some dads get a really raw deal…but then again so do some moms.
In the end it’s always the kids that suffer.
May 5th, 2009 at 8:16 am
You’re so right. If they want to be involved they should be allowed to be.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I don’t think a child is half anyones. I do think that the children are both parents’ responsibilty whether it be care giving or financial support. My sister’s ex would only divorce her if she gave him sole guardianship of the children and they share custody. My sister kicks herself everyday for signing her children away. He has all the control and being an abuser, uses it to his full advantage.
There is no easy divorce or custody battle someone always gets the short end of the stick…
May 5th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
You shock me sometimes Laura, coz you’re so conservative in somethings and so liberal in others.
We all want things to be fair, but in pregnancy the fact that the woman is the only one who can carry a child means that things will never be ‘fair’.
No one should be forced to continue with a pregnancy that they do not want. It also sets a dangerous precedent – where will we stop?
Whilst the child is in a woman’s body it is her choice what she does with her body – the father should have no say in that. Unfortunately, that is just how it works and is due to the differences in our physical make up.
In terms of the way the law treats fathers, I do agree that it is not fair. And in that respect, there needs to be equality. And being fair to the children is what is most important
May 5th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
But the fact that things will never be fair make it unfair to the father! They will always come off second best – ALWAYS and that is not fair – not to the child or to the father!
May 5th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I’m involved 50/50 in the raising of my kids, and while I know everyone’s different, I can’t imagine giving less.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:30 am
Laura,
I thought you’d be interested to know that I was on the
woman-haters“Men’s Rights” blog that started this line of thinking today and there were several comments that the only solution is to marry a foreign girl and move to another country because the US is so anti-father that it’s hopeless. Well, after that comment was made, several men responded that either they already had done this or were considering it and the discussion shifted to where the most male-friendly countries were. A couple of guys posted that South Africa is great for men’s rights and fathers’ rights. So there you have it…don’t lose any sleep over the issue! Of course, if too many of these clowns move down there, you may want to join us up here after all! I’m all for equality…good parents should have all the rights and bad parents should rot in the desert. Period. Male or female doesn’t matter. All men are not deadbeats and all women are not greedy manipulative liars. Anywayyyy….August 6th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Can anyone assist me with the correct procedure to follow in Sout Africa in order to apply to a legal body to have the father renounce his rights in terms of his biological children?
August 7th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I AM HAPPILY MARRIED TO A DEVORCED MAN, WHO IS BEING PUNISHED FOR WANTING A BETTER LIFE. HE WAS TREATED LIKE A USELESS PIECE OF RAG IN THEIR HOUSE, DISPITE THE FACT THAT HE WORKED ALONE WHILE THE X SAT AT HOME DOING NOTHING, THEY HAD 2 CHILDREN OF WHICH ONE IS NOT EVEN HIS BUT HE EXCEPTED THE CHILD AS HIS OWN. HE DID EVERYTHING FOR HER, WHILE SHE PLAYED THE ROLL OF BEING THIS GREAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN, SHE MADE HIS LIFE HELL, UNTIL HE UPT AND LEFT. NOW WE ARE MARRIED AND SHE TOOK HIM FOR WHAT HE HAS, MY HUSBAND CANNOT AFFORD TO BUY A SINGLE THING IN OUR HOUSEHOLD BECAUSE OF HIS HIGH MAINTENANCE PAYMENT THAT HAS TO BE MADE TO HER, HE DOES NOT EARN THAT MUCH MONEY. HE WENT FOR A REDUCTION IN MAINTENANCE AND INSTEAD HE ENDED UP PAYING MORE. WE ARE SUFFERING (HIS NEW FAMILY) WE HAVE 2 CHILDREN TOGETHER, BUT I AM THE ONE PAYING ALL THE BILLS AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH IT. WHERE IS OUR RIGHTS TO A HAPPY LIFE, WHY IS THE WOMAN ALWAYS THE INNOCENT ONE, THE VICTIM, WHO LOOKS AT THE MANS NEEDS AND WHY IS HIS NEW CHILDREN NOT AS IMPORTANT AS HIS PREVIOUS MARRAIGES KIDS?
December 26th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
When we we’re dating my x used to be so psychicly abusive towards me and would say hit me back you know I am woman. Things like that she continualsy bad mouths me and apreciates nothing I do, I left her becuase I almost reached a point of comiting suicide. She also told me that ther was something wrong with her uterus and she can’t get pregnant. I’m going through all this crap and she uses our son as a pawn£ she harrases aby bew girlfriend I have aswell, why do woman love to play victim and paint us men as abusers and dogs? I’m sorry but a lot of you need to get real.
July 9th, 2010 at 3:55 am
Hi Laura
I love the way you look at things
firstly im divocred for 4 years know, ny ex wife left when we found out that she was pregnant with our second daughter
It was a rough ride all the way before the sepperation i worked away from home for a while stories came out about another man and and and
I felt that whether or not my child ill love her and not even think of her as not mine
But yes know four years later ive in court for maintenance every six months and well have another date coming up
i know this is a long story but i feel that both parties should take a hard look at what is it they want if unborn
and the mother wants the child then she have to understand that a father have his right to his child paing or not
i dont feel sorry for myself but i realy am tired exhausted and cannot take my ex wifes greedy hatefull abuse anymore
it takes two to tango so why stop the music know