The night I left
It was a Thursday night.
It was a normal night. He was home late, I moaned. We fought. I was unhappy.
It was our normal.
I wanted to go out to a friends childs birthday party on Saturday. He didn’t want me to go. So there was fighting and manipulation and abuse.
It was our normal.
Except this night. This night he got up – we were already in bed. He got dressed. He fetched the children. He put them in the car.
This was not our normal.
He came back and started yelling at me. I can not remember what he said. I just remember the anger and I remember my intense need to get to my children who were now in the car outside in the dark.
I could go nowhere. I was standing in the doorway of the bathroom. He was in front of me. I could not move.
And in an instant I felt his hand across my face. The pain stung me but the fear had my heart beating so fast I am sure it was visible. I have never in all my life felt such intense fear. Fear of the unknown. I had no idea what he was going to do. I was cornered. He was angry. It was a volatile situation.
The enormity of what he had done though shocked him back into reality I think and I was able to convince him to get the children. That smack had calmed the situation.
While he was gone I managed to call my mother to come and fetch me. She had called my brother who was closer and before I knew it he was there.
I felt safe.
He took me to the Police Station to lay a charge. I think he did this more for him than for me though. He was so angry that I think if he had to have actually seen my ex he possible would have been locked up for assault that night.
Because it was just a smack, there was no mark by the time we got to the Police Station so trying to convince them anything had happened was a little bit of a challenge but we did eventually get a case number.
By the time we got back my parents were there.
I felt safe.
There was a brief talk but I knew that the only option was to leave. There was no trying any more. There was no more talking. There was no listening. It was done.
In a split second a hand had been raised that altered the course of all of our lives. A decision had been made and while it appeared to be a decision I had made because I was the one who put it into words – he had made the decision – intentional or not. It has been his decision.
I packed the children, who through some miracle had slept through it all – even the brief stay in the car. They had slept through it all. And we headed back to my parents house.
A few years ago I went with my mom with one of the dogs to the vet. The dog was scared and she let of a smell – the smell of fear. I smelt of fear that night. It was overwhelming.
But I also felt a huge sense of relief. It was over!
The fighting, the abuse, the words, the silence, the unhappiness. It was over. I was free. We were both free.
I replay that night often. I have no idea why but even three years later I remember the look in his eyes and I remember the fear. It was one of those life defining moments. It is a moment that I fear will remain with me forever. It is, in a strange way, a part of who I am.
This is the first time I have put into words what happened that night. The first time that I have faced it, acknowledged it and finally let myself off the hook.
Even though I know it wasn’t my fault, there is a part of me that accepts that through a series of events that I had allowed and taken part in, had lead us both to that point. A relationship is never one person. Regardless of how proper the other person is – they are still in the relationship.
I live with the effect of that night every single day. Every time a man raises his voice to me I remember that moment. Every time I am not in control of a relationship I remember that moment. Every time I allow behaviour I don’t like I remember that moment.
Every time I forget to trust myself I remember that moment! In that moment I trusted myself. In that moment I was in control. I wasn’t in control of him. I was in control of me. I was in control of the decisions I make.
In that moment I chose me.
Even though the effects of that night and that relationship are with me every day. Even though I struggle every day to remember to keep choosing me.
In that moment, that moment when it counted – I chose right.
July 21st, 2009 at 5:52 am
Good for you Laura. There’s no going back from that.
July 21st, 2009 at 5:53 am
Surprisingly it does fade…I have a moment like that from my past and my daughter is now 9 years old. I can visualize the same fear you felt, but I can’t taste it and smell it anymore.
You did good.When we are in unhealthy relationships, sometimes it HAS to climax like that to finally talk some sense into you.
July 21st, 2009 at 6:28 am
*HUGS* Laura, that was a powerful read.
July 21st, 2009 at 6:47 am
You’re one of the lucky ones, you found courage in your fear and left before it became a cycle, part of ‘your normal’. Well done on saving yourself, saving your children. Well done on being so strong *hugs*
July 21st, 2009 at 8:04 am
I so totally utterly agree with SwissTwist!! I’m so proud of you for the mere fact that you left after the first slap!
So many other women (myself included) stay, because they try & convince themselves that it was a mistake & won’t happen again.
IT STARTS WITH THE FIRST SLAP!!!!! Then that cycle continues & eventually spirals out of control!!
July 21st, 2009 at 9:22 am
Wow.
That must have taken courage to write. Well done.
and good on you for leaving – after the first slap.
as angie says – how often to women stay, hoping things will change but they never do.
you did good.
be proud.
July 21st, 2009 at 10:40 am
Well done for choosing you and your children, before it became your normal. And for facing it. I hope your blog post inspire other women in similar situations to also stop trying and choose themselve and their children.
July 21st, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Well done for taking a stand for you and your children. So many women don’t and end up worse because they try to ‘make it work’. It’s not easy to make the decision to leave but it is right and you did what was right and good.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I am just glad you managed to convince him to not involve the children that night. Just think if they had the same memories playing over and over in their little minds? Hat off to you, Laura for getting this out, verbalising it, surrendering it and moving on.
A lot of women will be empowered by your bravery as there are so very many women out there that are not brave enough to say “its over”…
July 21st, 2009 at 2:46 pm
you chose right.
….don’t under estimate the power of your story. when it is just feelings it can overwhelm you but when it is written into words the story is confined.
its a big moment.
July 21st, 2009 at 6:06 pm
You are braver than most of us can ever be.
Well done! You are a strong woman, in many ways!!!
July 21st, 2009 at 7:22 pm
WOW. Very well written! I felt everything you felt, every turn and courage and fear… this was a really good catharsis.
Thank you for sharing this. SO happy you chose you!
July 21st, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I could feel the fear right along with you while reading this. I am so glad you had the courage to leave and not to let it become your reality. Never doubt yourself. If you can make the right decision in a situation like this then you know you can trust yourself in other decisions.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:50 pm
I live with the effect of that night every single day. Every time a man raises his voice to me I remember that moment. Every time I am not in control of a relationship I remember that moment. Every time I allow behaviour I don’t like I remember that moment.
I could have written this my friend
July 21st, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Woah… talk about a defining moment!
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Very well done. In the writing and the decision you made. Really resonates with me. Thanks for stopping by!
July 26th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
what a powerful post laura. i wish my mom had had the strength to walk away the first time – then i wouldn’t have had to witness or intervene all those many other times. i take my hat off to you for standing up for yourself and especially, for your kids. kudos.
September 14th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Only reading it now!
You were really brave! I’m so proud of you and i don’t really know you all that well!
December 1st, 2009 at 6:22 am
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