Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.
Something happened on Saturday with my daughter and Sally’s little girl Rachel.
The full story is here.
I don’t want to re-tell the story again but rather comment on something Jeanette said in her comment.
It’s disturbing, but if you were a helicopter mom, I don’t think the kids would have known to come for help. They would have expected you to just be there.
I think it’s a good thing you’re teaching them to be independant
I have received criticism from my mom and other friends for the way I parent. I don’t hover over my kids. We go to Spur and they go and play. We go to the park and they go and play.
They have learnt to check in with me and I do go and check up on them – often without them seeing me. I do a quick head count, check no one is hurt or being hurt and leave them be.
I have always done that. Their father was always a little more paranoid so when he was around there was a little more hovering. But in general they have always been given space to spread their little wings.
I think like Jeanette said that if I hadn’t raised them the way I am then the situation may have ended up totally differently.
I firmly believe my job as a parent is not to cover them in cotton wool but to allow them to learn the life lessons they need to survive without me. They need to learn how to survive in a world that can be cruel and unfair. If I smother them and teach them that I will always be there – I am being extremely unfair. I won’t be able to fight their battles for them. I won’t be able to protect them from a broken heart or a lost friendship. I won’t be able to make hard choices for them.
I need to give them the tools and the confidence to be able to do that themselves. To trust themselves enough, like Cameron did on Saturday. He knew something wasn’t right and he trusted that enough to get his sister out of the situation and he knew who to trust. He did good and it was also an affirmation that I am doing ok.
I may not be able to get him to stop burping at the table or for Kiara to wear a jersey but the important stuff, the stuff that matters – they getting that!
Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum
September 17th, 2009 at 8:11 am
well said Laura, I thought long and hard over whether the incident should change the way I parent and I decided like you and Jeanette that they need the skills to cope in these situations rather than me always solving it for them.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I absolutely agree. I am the same.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:53 am
OMG. just read that story and got the shivers.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I’m with Jeanette on this one
September 17th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I hear what you’re saying, and I think that it’s great that they’re ‘getting it’. Of course I don’t know how old your kids are – but for me, at my little ones age? (4 and 17 months) the hovering helicopter things works. The alternative, to me, if something happened is too scary to contemplate.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:49 am
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Love the last sentence of your post…
“I may not be able to get him to stop burping at the table or for Kiara to wear a jersey but the important stuff, the stuff that matters – they getting that!”
September 17th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
That does seem rather sinister. Was he putting the toy in his car to possibly lure a child into the car with it later? Or was he really doing exactly what he said – even if it did seem odd?
I have long had the same parenting ideals. I do not hover. Stay where I can see you, and at my daughters age (9) being out of sight for a bit is ok too. Teaching them to think on their own two feet will serve them well throughout their lives.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I too would rather give my daughter the tools to learn the life lessons she needs to survive without me.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Well said, Laura
September 17th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I reckon that as long as you know where they are at all times and they always come home in more or less one piece, then you’re doing just fine.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Good for you! I love your approach. It’s great to teach kids to be independent, think for themselves, and come get help when they need it.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
So very true, well said
September 18th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Ness – my kids are 5 and 7.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:27 am
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