Almost love
In the movie Jerry McGuire there is a scene where Dorothy says
“I love him for the man he wants to be and I love him for the man he almost is”
She is so excited when she says it. You don’t actually listen to the words – all you hear is her LOVE for him.
But when you listen you hear that she doesn’t love him. She ALMOST loves him.
This is the problem in so many relationships. We meet someone who is almost perfect and instead of embracing there almost perfection and loving that – we focus on the things that aren’t perfect and try and change them and mould the person into what we would like them to be.
I did it with my ex husband. He did it with me. I have done it with men I have previously dated and it has always ended because no-one is ever going to be perfect and no-one can change who they are.
If I had to change things about the guy I am seeing now then he wouldn’t be who he is. He wouldn’t be the guy who makes me laugh, or who sends me cute text messages or calls me silly names. He wouldn’t be the guy who makes a bad day better by just saying “Aw Pumpkin”. He wouldn’t be the guy who stops the world from turning when looks at me and says “you are prettier than I remember”
Because you cant change just one thing without changing it all. You think all you are changing is that one thing but you aren’t, it has a ripple effect on who he is. He may change. He may allow you to mould him and shape him into who you think you wanted but when he stops making you laugh or when he turns his back to you at bed time instead of holding you like you used to – you will only have yourself to blame because you wanted him to change.
Instead we need to learn to accept the parts that don’t fit the picture in our head. If the big things are there – kindness, respect, trust, honesty – then the other things don’t really matter a whole lot.
When you accept someone for who they are, they accept you for who you are. You don’t have to pretend or act or anything. All you need to do is be yourself.
Isnt that love?
October 7th, 2009 at 8:10 am
if not acceptance, then at least tolerance.
there’s a lot of stuff about my bf that i don’t accept – his temper, his tendency to say mean shit when we fight etc – stuff that i tolerate. accept it? no.
but i do accept how loving he is, that he’s a such an amazing father, a good friend and completely supportive of me.
so i’d say love is about acceptance *and* tolerance.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:43 am
ÜÜ – that is a very big part of love. Accepting a person as who they are and loving them irrespective.
I get what Exmi is saying though loving also does not mean you have to simply accept whatever their actions are – there is also mutual respect and tolerance.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Totally agree with Exmi. Some things are just too hard to accept. Just as every relationship isn’t perfecty…people aren’t either.
J and I will be marking our 7th year together in December. And while we try to be more considerate of each other we don’t always get it right.
But what matters, the thing that holds us together…is that we TRY! That’s very important too.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:54 am
You’re righht. All of us want to have someone who sees us very clearly – the good, the bad, and the really ugly parts of us, and loves us anyway.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Love Jerry McGuire!
October 7th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Very well put. I would feel bad about a relationship if I knew that the person who love me more if I was a little less like me.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:16 am
I would have to disagree with the tolerate perspective. I don’t think we should tolerate poor behavior and maltreatment, especially as single moms…our kids are watching and learning.
There are things we can accept that we might not like in our partner. Like you may be an intellectual and he hasn’t read anything since high school…not your first pick, but everything else is there so accept it. When we tolerate things, like messiness, bad tempers, etc, we are really just holding out to see what it takes to get them to change. Never have I experienced it, but I believe true love accepts the faults and molds around them. I guess what I’m saying is with true love you know and are alright with the fact that you will have to live with X personality defect for the rest of your life…true acceptance.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:28 am
while fundamentals should not be changed…. annoying behavior can be changed.
October 7th, 2009 at 11:20 am
That is indeed true.
Although a certain amount of compromise is acceptable.
October 7th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Angel and ExMi – tolerance and compromise come out of accepting that you have to compromise and tolerate
If you didnt do either of those things you arent accepting them!
October 7th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
We are not perfect, so whey would we expect this of our partners.
October 7th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
This speaks to Meriels unconditional love…
October 7th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
WOW.
Girl… you are SO speaking to me.
And my Rascal calls me “pumpkin” too.
*swoon*
October 7th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Great post. That’s definitely one thing I’ve learned through failed relationship after failed relationship – you can’t change them and they can’t change you. Love is definitely about acceptance.
October 7th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
The Jerry McGuire line you quote always concerned me. Very romantic; very unrealistic.
Love may be about acceptance – preferably mutual – but that acceptance is only one small part of what comprises the “love package.” It takes a great deal more to make it work – even for awhile. Acceptance is a good start. So are friendship, core values in common, and a whole lot more.
If it were easy, we’d all have it, wouldn’t we…
October 7th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Bravo! Wonderful post. Too many people are out to change their partner. It’s better to look within and change yourself.