I got home the other afternoon it was a little later than normal due to a crazy conversation with Plane boy in the parking lot of the kids school traffic.
I walk in and I am greeted by mother, knocking back the last of her glass of port, her wild eyes stare back at me. I tell her I am leaving the kids so I can quickly go back to PnP to get lunch stuff for Cameron that I had forgotten.
I was gone about 15 minutes if that. I get back to a drunk mother (all it really takes is that one glass she knocked back), a daughter crying hysterically because she wants MINCE and my mother told her to wait for me (I don’t think she could get up off the chair to get it for Kiara), my dad eating, what I discovered a little while later, was his 4th plate of food (think he was hoping if he ate it may sober my mother up) and my son blocking it all out watching Bakugan.
RIGHT!
Calming Kiara was not an option. When my child crosses over to the dark side. She remains there for a good few hours. So I ignore her and start making dinner. Well my mother decides it may be fun to get Kiara to stop crying by singing and dancing around the house – LOUDLY. Let’s just say the Idols wooden mic award would be too good for my mother singing abilities. So off they go – a perfectly in tune duo. One wailing in song and the other in tears.
While I am making dinner I think my dad walked in, maybe another 3 times, to get some more food. Whatever wasn’t pinned down, he was consuming.
I get the boy child fed. My mother gets the girl child bathed but not calm and plonks her on the kitchen floor and then hops off singing and dancing. WTF RIGHT???
Girl child begins her tirade that goes something like this “You are the worst mom in the world!” STOMP! “You don’t want to make me food” HOWL! “You don’t love me you only love Cameron” SCREAM! “I am NOT going to eat” STOMP STOMP “I am starving and you don’t want to make me food ever.” HOWL SCREAM STOMP.
Enter the singing grandmother. She whisks her off and makes her food.
Calm.
I stop and look around!
My drunk mother singing and dancing to entertain my hysterically irrational daughter while my dad eats his weight in food and my son watches his 11 millionth hour of TV.
I sit back and sms Mr Roses “…I am living a reality show!”
Seriously this shit could not have been scripted better.
Let’s add in just for fun a few other things that happened
Plane Boy and his confusion which became my confusion which become my friends confusion and which became googles confusion at my attempt to Google “what the hell does hang out mean”
Mr Roses who I love deeply – but really how many of your exes are you best friends with? (Our conversations alone will make for fascinating watching)
A son who decided it might be fun to have a vomiting competition at school on Thursday and you guessed it – he won. So I was called to go fetch him because – you guessed it – he vomited!
An economics assignment that had me walking around the house in tears. (AGAIN thank you Mr Economics – I think I may just have to marry you – just need to quickly check my list though)
A mom who tried to poison me bought the wrong noodles and I didn’t realise until I had wolfed down half my bowl. Needless to say I felt crap crap crap!
A mini fraud case that I decided would be fun to get involved in – YAY me. Ja not so much hey – it’s more paperwork than fun.
And let’s not forget my place of employment. Always a story there. Trust me, a day following me around here and you will all be petitioning JZ to shut us down and have everyone committed to Weskoppies – it IS that bad!
Oh and lets not forget the ever mysterious Mr Sexy who I every now and then like to rope back in to my life – you know just cos there really isn’t enough drama already.
Then lets add a conversation with my mother on safe sex. She actually asked me if I know how to NOT get pregnant. It is the first time we have EVER had any sort of conversation around the topic of sex!
And my daughter and Rachel involved in what could ONLY have been something sinister – involving a man, a stuffed toy and a little too much mystery. Read here for more
And this people, was JUST last week!
Who needs the Kardashians or Kendra. Pull up a chair and watch a piece of my life. I guarantee you there shall NEVER be a dull moment.
The wheel keeps turning – you either enjoy the view or get off and sleep!
