Harassed Mom

Over the last few years I have blogged about maintenance court and have always done so with much faith in the process – I still do believe that this process works well – it is slow and archaic in its nature but it works.

Two weeks ago I applied for a protection order. This process is seriously flawed. While actually getting the order is pretty simple – you just need to go to your local magistrate, complete a form and wait. It took us about an hour.

The problem is that it was then my responsibility to get him served with the papers. This would have been pretty simple had we lived in the same jurisdiction (or even town) but we don’t so the police in Pretoria could not serve him. The court could not serve him when they served the maintenance papers as it is two different processes. So I had to get to a police station in either the area he works or lives.

We went to his local police station on Saturday where they initially told me that I should come back on Monday as the person who delivers these kinds of things only works in the week. Fortunately the officer I spoke to went to check with his captain and somehow the patrol men where called and a wonderful police man, Constable Mofokeng, assisted me by dropping it off and then bringing me the return of service back.

Which brings me to the point of the return of service. For the order to be valid you need to get back the form signed by him and the police officer saying he has received the order, without that the order is invalid. So even if my local police could have helped I would have had to arrange to collect the return of service once they had delivered it.

The whole process took me 15 days to complete.

In my situation 15 days wasn’t a huge deal because my life wasn’t in danger BUT what happens to those women whose lives are in danger? 15 days can be the difference between life and death for them!

One of the cops at my police station said if this was so important then I would find the time to get it done. This was in response to me arguing that I now had to take more time off work. I was a little taken aback to be honest. While I am allowed a fair amount of leeway at work I can’t come and go as I please and take days off at a time to sort my personal life out. Granted had my life been in danger my boss would have be understanding but there are many employees out there who aren’t. How does a women with no transport and who is scared spend time riding around trying to sort this out?

This process is in no way geared at protecting women. It is seriously flawed and needs to be looked at.

When you apply for maintenance they serve the father – regardless of where he is but two doors down in the same building of the same court in Room 52 where women are asking for protection against abusive partners/family members they are sent on their way with a stamp and a “It is now your responsibility”

It is not right and it makes no sense. It takes huge courage to stand up to abuse and honestly if I had not friends threatening me if I didn’t do this I don’t think I would have followed through with it simply because of the flaws.

I would really like to challenge this process but have no idea how I would do that? So if anyone has any ideas or suggestions I would greatly appreciate it.

If you want need to apply for a protection order the form is here that you need to complete. If you are in Pretoria you can go to Room 52 in the basement of the old magistrate court on the Corner of Schoeman and Schubart.

I really had hoped that least year when I got divorced was the last time I would have to see the inside of a court house! I was wrong!

Today I went to fetch my divorce decree and had a small visit to the maintenance court (yip its me and the good old maintenance court again). To say the whole thing was traumatic is dramatic but also the truth!

First of all I got lost trying to find parking! I drove around Church Square not knowing where I was going. Eventually after playing round and round the mulberry bush (or church square) I found my way to the parking garage I used last year. Parking eventually found I then managed to get myself lost inside the parkade. It was much fun because there was some serious load shedding happening in the parkade and it was pitch dark. Seriously it would be the perfect setting for a thriller or Fast and the Furious 5. Eventually I asked someone and was directed left, then right, then straight, then left and then FREEDOM

I managed to actually found the court house pretty easily and then was directed to -1 to the records office. Now let me tell you people I think this is where hell is. It was crowded full of lawyers and clerks people in no order with no clear indication of what you need to do. There was no service behind the counter and eventually a clerk/lawyer dude started getting aggro and shouted at the lady behind the counter which caused everyone to start getting aggro which caused me to want to sit in a pile and cry a small river. But instead I spotted my ticket to freedom – a one toothed guy behind the counter looking for people who need things to be stamped. I asked him if I was in the right place, winked a bit, smiled a bit and within 5 minutes Mr One Tooth had my file – except there was NO FILE because my ex had signed it out and never returned it despite the huge big notice on the form saying “DO NOT REMOVE FROM THE COURT HOUSE”. Anyway Mr One Tooth was not phased – he sent me to Patricia in Room 1.21. Outside Patricias office was the dude who had caused the chaos down stairs. He looked exhausted. Patricia printed the decree for me and then after some coercion from me told me where to next. Off to room 134. By now I had figured out you find the man with the stamp. This time the man with the stamp sent me to room 137.

By now I was almost in tears. David was my very personal twitter and literally got an sms blow by blow detailed description of what I was doing. Love you for that baby.

Guess who was at room 137 – same tense tired dude. By now we had both reached near hysteria and just started laughing. Nothing like hysterical laughter with a stranger to make you feel a little better.

Room 137 was about to send me to Shelly on the 7th floor to verify I was divorced when I showed Vusi that I was in fact divorced (fortunately I had a copy of the original decree) and he stamped and signed the document and I was FREE!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously the lesson I implore you all to learn is to GET ORIGINALS! Make copies get them certified but make sure you GET ORIGINALS if ever you find yourself in court!

Fortunately maintenance court was just collecting of documentation I may or may not need! So was pretty painless!

THAT is how you spend the morning after your last exam

Yesterday was maintenance court.

In our settlement we were not able to reach agreement on the medical aid issue so it was referred to maintenance court.

All I wanted was for the kids to remain on his medical aid. I can not afford to take one onto mine so my biggest concern was that. I did put in an application for more money but honestly I was not planning on fighting for it. My aim for yesterday was the medical aid.

So I arrived in the cold, with my book, my little pink notebook and my music. I was ready to be there all day. He was there with his girlfriend. This did initially upset me a little. I was alone and he had someone but then I made “friends” with the couple sitting next to me and my phone kept beeping with texts and people were showing support on twitter and I realised I was not alone. Maybe I was there on my own but I wasnt alone at all. And I had to do this by myself. I had to prove to myself that I COULD do it and I COULD do it on my own.

At 8h30 they start calling out names just to see who is there. So my name was called which was very reassuring – to know I was on the list. Then about 20 minutes later we were called into a room. I thought today was a court appearance – it wasnt. It was a mediation. They first try and work out and agreement and then if they cant it gets sent to court.

He arrived with ring bound BOOKS of bank statements and stuff. My bank statements for 3 months were 6 pages so clearly he has ALOT of money for all those statements!

Anyway we got to the actually point of the meeting and I said I will settle for the same money IF he keeps the kids on his medical aid. Happy! The mediator then said all costs NOT covered by the med aid will be split 50/50 – he was having none of that because did you know that HIS accounts and debt has gone up! JUST HIS! (yes a little bitterness here).

The next step was setting a proper court date – which would mean MORE waiting and MORE time off and NO closure! I was having none of that! I have paid the bulk of the kids medical aid costs not covered on my own for the last three years so really I was not delaying it further and agreed to cover them 100%

Done! Signed! We had a further wait for the magistrate to sign and copies to be made and then it was OVER! I was out of there by 10h00!

He thinks he has won and him and the girlfriend were doing victory dances! But I think he forgot that this wasnt about him winning or me winning. It was about doing what was best for the children. The money he gives me is for the children. The medical aid bills are for the children. So, personally, doing what he did – doesnt seem like much of a victory to me.

But its DONE now! OVER! The last step in the divorce is done. We can both get final closure now and move on!

The couple I started chatting to had a heartbreaking story. She was there to get her ex to pay. She was with her partner. It has taken her 2 years to get up the courage to fight him for money. He was apparently very abusive and it was clear she still was very intimidated by him – he was also there and she couldnt walk past him Her partner had the sad story though. He has been divorced for 10 years – has 2 kids. Son is 20 and daughter is 15. He hasnt seen them in TEN YEARS!!!! The ex refuses to let him. She hauls his ass to maintenance court regularly though for more money but will not allow him access to the kids! He said his daughter has no idea what he looks like and his son sent him a message on FB saying what a horrible dad he has been.

It broke my heart Custody battles are fought in the high court so take money. Money which clearly he didnt have. He has now taken on her kids as his own and she says he is a wonderful dad to them. But its not right. They arent his kids. He shouldnt have to have “subsitute” kids. He has his own.

Women who do things like that disgust me. They make me so angry that I am almost tempted to say they do not deserve a cent of maintenance. THOSE women are not putting their kids first. Its all about them and their need to hurt their ex and the only people to suffer are the children.

Whats even sadder is I am sure if I had chatted to more people I would have heard more heartbreaking stories. Stories where we, as the adults, are letting our kids down!

My exams are OVER! Done! Completed! Written!

What a super fantastic awesome feeling! We survived – me, my kids and parents. We made it I am very proud of us all. Its the first exams I have written in 9 years. Its the first time my kids have had to deal with it. And we did ok!

Have to mention a few things though that helped me get through the past month!

Coloured Pens – love them. They make my life bright and happy.

Herbal tea – kept me hydrated (and calm)

The Bay – it really speaks for itself

Jonathan – for taking me to watch movies! The distraction was really welcomed!

Sweets – for keeping me energised.

Body Thrills – bath time over study weekends was break time. It was time to relax and unwind. Nothing better than doing it with my collection of body thrills

Mr Roses – for our conversations. Conversations about random stuff but conversations that made me laugh.

Music – especially Harris Tweed, Henry Ate and Alanis Morissette. They block out the sounds of kids and booking tvs perfectly.

My bed -due to the fact that it is mid winter here – THIS is where I have spent my days!

And of course my friends! who beleive in me! Seriously I think you guys would beleive I could climb Everest tomorrow if I asked you But it means alot to me that you have such faith in me. Thank you!

Now life can return to normal for a few weeks until assignments start again!

Today I am at maintenance court – hopefully getting final closure on that drama!

One of the things that really stressed me out about going to court for my divorce was that I didnt know what to expect. I didnt know the process and I didnt know what was going to happen!

Same applied to maintenance court! It was all very unknown and for me the unknown is very very unsettling.

So this post is a quick list of things you need to know, to take with and to remember when you go to court – both for your divorce and for maintenance.

*Find out where it is before hand and find out where to park. Parking is an issue in most of South Africas CBDs and all the courts are found in the city centre.
*Make sure you have cash. You will need to pay for the parking but you will also need change for the vending machines or to buy smokes from the corner cafe that doesnt have a card machine.
*Your marriage certificate. If you dont have it, get a copy from the home affairs. It cost me R11 to get. You can not get divorced without it.
*Ask your lawyer before the day what other documentation you (and your ex) will need. Then make sure on the day you or your lawyer check with them that everyone has everything you need!
*Make sure your cell phone is charged. There is a chance you may spend time waiting and will need to keep yourself sane and distracted.
*If you have a friend who will go with you then take one with – for the same reason as above – there may be lots of waiting and its nicer to have someone you can talk to. At the maintenance court unless you are the first in line you WILL wait!
*For the maintenance court if it is your first time you will need your kids birth certificates and your id book.
* Be prepared for delays and frustration. You may be lucky and are in and out quickly but be prepared that you may not!

I battled to find out exact addresses of where the respective courts are in the major cities but the Cape Town dudes are super organised and have this stunning site that provides numbers of the mainteance courts in the Cape!

The Pretoria maintenance court is next to the magistrate court at the bottom of Proes street, next to the big Police Station. If you are there very early you will get parking right outside.

Apparently every magistrate court in Joburg has a maintenance court – so use that as your starting point if you are in Joburg!

During my divorce proceeding people tended to misunderstand the connection between custody and maintenance. Even more so when, the divorce had been granted, I had to go to maintenance court.

I am going to share my understanding of the differences from what I have learnt the past few years. Please remember though I am not a lawyer nor do I have any legal experience other than what I have been through.

While, both concepts involve the children, they are two separate issues are dealt with by two separate departments.

The Family Advocate deals with matters of custody and maintenance issues are decided in maintenance court. Both issues are emotionally charge and so both have strict laws and guidelines in place to ensure that the best interests of the child are considered at all times.

Custody has to do with where the children reside on a daily basis and the visitation rights of the parent they do not live with on a permanent basis. The laws around this have recently changed and joint custody is awarded in nearly every case unless abuse, neglect or something life threatening can be proven.

The law stipulates that reasonable access to the children has to be granted. This means the father (for the sake of argument) gets the children every second weekend, every alternate holiday, on his birthday and Fathers Day.

Obviously this is a guideline and it can be arranged that they stay over a night during the week or a full short school holiday but you are not allowed to suggest less than this.

There are also guidelines with regard to the child’s age. If they are infants visitation can be only during the day, with nights spent back with the mother. I think in South Africa they recommended sleep over at age 4. Again this is subject to the ability of the father and the mother’s confidence in handling them. The law will support her if she feels the children are too small to sleep over for an entire weekend.

If a couple are unable to reach an agreement on the reasonable access terms the case gets referred to the Family Advocate. A meeting is then held with both parties and a child psychologist will access the children (provided they are old enough). Both parties are asked what they would like and why.

Based on the assessment of the children and the meeting with the parents, the Family Advocate makes a decision as to what they deem to be the best interests of the child. The decision, as in our case, is generally pretty standard. The children will not be separated, they will not be removed from their mother and the decision will involve as little disruption to their lives.

This decision becomes a court order. BUT the father can not be forced to see the children. The mother can be forced to hand the children over when it is the father’s weekend.

While this does seem a little unfair, it removes the courts interference in getting people to do the right thing. A court can not force a father to see his child, a judge can not order someone to do and feel something that should be a natural response.

A judge can force a mother who is using her children to manipulate her ex-husband to put her own needs aside and do what is best for the child. Which would be allowing the children to see him on his weekends

I believe in this law. I believe in it and I abide by my part of it. It removes all emotion from the situation but remains fair and it does put the children first.

If a decision is reached without the need of the Family Advocate to intervene, they still need to endorse the divorce settlement before the divorce is granted. Again this enables them to ensure the decision is fair and reasonable!

Maintenance refers to all the financial issues and is dealt with by the Maintenance Court which is a branch of the Magistrate Court.

The starting point for maintenance is a 50/50 split and this is where the courts will start. Again if a decision can be reached between the two parties then there will be no need for maintenance court. The settlement will contain the amounts to be paid and once the divorce is granted it will become an order of the court.

Interim maintenance can be asked for while the divorce proceedings are taking place. This will come into effect until the settlement is signed and decree granted or the maintenance court has been granted! This is a court order and non-compliance is in effect breaking the law and will be dealt with as such.

If the parties can not agree on an amount or what is to be paid, it will go to the maintenance court. They will then examine the evidence and then make a decision based on what is fair. It will examine the income and expenditure of both parties and then make a decision.

I have not completed this process so don’t know more on how the decisions are made.

Both custody and maintenance can be challenged at anytime regardless of what was agreed to in the settlement and what was decided in maintenance court.

From what I have experienced so far the children are put first. Fighting and arguing between the parents is all but ignored in favour of what is best for the child. I have faith in this system. The decisions that have been made have been fair, in light of the circumstances and I believe the future decisions will also be made in the same light!

I was dreading the thought of going to maintenance court. More than the actual divorce trial and more than facing him I was dreading the maintenance court process!

You only here bad things about it. The queues, the inefficiency etc etc etc!

So my plan was to NOT stress myself out about. I was planning on getting all the necessary forms yesterday and then going back today to get the court date! Turns out I managed to do it all before 13h00.

I arrived at the court just after 8h00. Asked the security where to go, they sent me to the wrong room but the people were helpful there and pointed me in the right direction! Went in and asked the lady what I need to do. All I needed was my ID and the kids birth certificates, then they issue me a court date! EASY AS THAT!

So I raced home, got the kids birth certificates and raised back – was there just after 9h00. Added my name to the list and then waited.

It was a long wait. Nearly 3 hours. There were only 2 officials helping people and each app too 15-30 minutes depending on what you wanted and your ability to understand the forms.

I read my communication text book, listened to some of the stories of people returning for a 3rd, fourth time, chatted to other ladies in the queue and smsed friends!

When they finally yelled my name (yes there is lots of yelling happening in this court building), the official who helped me was so great. My main concern has been the medical aid so basically all I wanted was that to be sorted out. He actually looked confused and we had the following conversation
“So then you earn more than him”
“No”
“So then WHY are you asking for no help for the school fees and clothes and extra murial”
“Cos I have been fighting with this man for 3 years about this and just need to know the med aid is sorted”
“NO! You have fought him in your private capacity. Here we dont take nonsense! He has to pay 50% of everything”
“Ok”

So we completed the forms asking for a 50/50 split of the school fees and extra murual activities and upped the maintenance – not alot! And asked that BOTH children remain on his medical aid!

He is pretty confident the medical aid will not be an issue at all and felt strongly about the rest!

He signed the papers and issued my court date – which is the 10 June 2009! I made him re-check it. He laughed at me and said thats the date!

All in all it was a pretty easy process. Tiring and hot but really not horrible!

I am feeling loads more confident now about it all. I have time to prepare things and get my stuff together and have faith that the best interest of the child will be considered!

Dear whoever is willing to help

I really would have liked to address this to our president but since he is care-taking and cant really make any real decisions I am not sure who to address it to! So I apologise for not personalising the letter. I know it is rude.

I have spent the last 3 days in various government buildings, namely the High Court, Home Affairs and the Maintenance Court – all in Pretoria. It is apparant that you, the government of South Africa are not aware of this absolutely essential necessity – A-I-R C-O-N-D-I-T-I-O-N-I-N-G.

Even that simple invention the F-A-N seems to have passed you by! WHY? HOW? I think over the past 2 days that I have occupied the halls of your buildings I have lost the equivalent of 3 buckets of sweat. And while I can appreciate your attempts at assisting with weight loss I can not understand why there is a lack of ventilation on nearly all government buildings (well the ones I have been to – including licensing dept, Post Offices).

I was only there for a few hours and it nearly killed me so I can understand why your employees are often less than exuberant about their jobs! I understand the need for coffee breaks every 5 minutes. I understand why they seem inefficient! Its because they are dehydrating and so hot they cant move properly!

I think it is shocking that they are made to work in such appaling conditions! So I am not one to highlight problems and not offer solutions! My suggestion is that you contact ExMis Boyfriend – he does this stuff and I am sure he can make a plan to get cool air flowing through your buildings. ExMi may even throw in some free Body Thrills if you ask nicely! Unfortunately since the current government is know for being a tad corrupt they may ask for payment upfront – dont worry send Carl to ask Rhema for the cash – they have lots and the man has no shame!

I am also not one to miss the chance to compliment you, my government. While I have spent most of the last 2 days waiting for stuff to happen and the process in the maintenance court especially leaves a lot to be desired – neither my court appearance in the High Court or my three hours waiting on they hard benches outside Room 92 at the maintenance court were horrible experiences – in fact both were fairly painless! So thank you for that!

I appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts with you and hope you do take what I have suggested to heart – we are in an election year and you cant assume you have the votes!

Yours sincerly

Harassed Mom (for my details feel free to go to room 66 in the basement of the court – its all there)

Dear South African Post Office

I am well aware that you have poor working conditions. I have addresses this with the powers that be on your behalf!

BUT having said that I can really only put up with so much crap from you! I go to the SAME post office EACH time I need to collect a parcel! You know me. I hellopetered you! YOU KNOW ME!

I never come without my tracking numbers, granted I dont have the little white paper but I have the tracking number that YOU, as the Post Office, put in place.

So PLEASE can I ask that you STOP asking me to wait for the little white piece of paper! I WILL NOT! I have the tracking number, the parcel is in your store room – go and LOOK for it! Do not ask me to come back after I have stood in the queue for 45 minutes – GO AND LOOK FOR IT!

I get that you are dehydrating and I get that you are hot but honestly now we all have crap to deal with. Suck it up and try a little harder! I refuse to tolerate laziness!

So yes today I did possible pass my ID to you with a little more enthusiam than was neccessary and I did raise my voice at you. But good lord my parcel was in the rack of UNISA stuff BEHIND YOU! WHY must you insist on reprimanding me for not having the slip when I EXPLAINED that UNISA has the address wrong so I HAD NO SLIPS just the tracking numbers!

PLEASE I will do what I can to get better working conditions for you but in the meantime can you stop being lazy!

Thank you

Harassed Mom (if you want my details they are all on the second hellopeter complaint you will receive shortly)