Harassed Mom

I have spent the better part of this week feeling incredibly resentful.

I have felt resentful that I can’t just get up and go to work. I have to get 2 other people ready. I have to put washing in, tidy up, pack bags, fight with kids.

I have felt resentful that I have to go to a job that I hate.

I have felt resentful that dinner isn’t ready when I get home. I have to make dinner, unpack the dishwasher, hang up the washing, remind kids to unpack bags, get kids bathed, tidy up, pack lunches.

I have felt resentful that I have had to run around after sick kids and deal with tantrums and drama.

I have been horrible to be around. I have been horrible to David. I have directed my resentment at him. He gets to leave in the morning. He comes home to a cooked meal. He has a pretty awesome job that takes him to interesting places and he works for a company that appreciate him.

Then last night as I was moaning about having to wash the pan that wouldn’t fit into the dishwasher and he was waving goodbye on his way to the body corporate meeting I realised just how unfair I have been.

Yes he gets to get up and go in the morning but he has to do it at 6h00 in the morning because he sits in 40 minutes of traffic. I get to leave an hour later and sit in a max of 20 minutes traffic.

Yes his job is more exciting than mine but its also a lot more work and a lot more stressful.

Yes dinner is cooked when he gets home but he has sat in another 40-60 minutes of traffic to get home. I get home in 15 minutes.

I have been very unfair.

The things I have been resentful of have allowed me the life I know have.

David sits in traffic so I didn’t have to disrupt my kids further and have to look for a new job.

He sits in late night meetings so that I can one day soon not have to work anymore.

He puts everything he has into his job so that we can have nice things and go to nice places.

So yes the washing may swallow me whole and I did have to wash they pot and I do have to run around after kids and clean and tidy but his load is no smaller than mine. It is different but not smaller.

I haven’t shown it this week but I do appreciate the sacrifices that are made for me and my kids. I appreciate the hard work and the late nights. I appreciate it when he does pack the dishwasher or help with dinner. I appreciate it because he does it for us and he does it without moaning or resenting me.

There are moments and hours and sometimes even days when I feel so dysfunctional.

When I feel I am not cut out to be one half of a normal happy relationship.

When my insecurities and fears take hold of me so tightly it feels like I can’t breath.

When I worry that the scars of the past may never really heal and the wounds will remain open forever.

These moments, hours and days are less than they used to be but they are still they. They still paralyse me. They still make me want to sit on the floor and cry until my tears run dry.

In those moments, hours and days all I need to do is see his face, his name in my inbox or his number on my phone and I know it will be ok.

I know that he loves me despite the tears and the drama.

He loves me on the bad days.

He loves me with my insecurities.

He holds my hand and promises to never let go.

He promises me that it is forever.

It is a love so true that we have.

It is a love I am so incredible grateful for.

It is a man I get to keep!

It is a love so true!

Last year around this time I made my very first vision board – I got the idea from the fabulous Ms T. I was pretty down about life in general at the time – I wanted a car, a new job, a decent man and and and. So I put them all on the board. It wasn’t a big board and actually had very little on it.

But within a few weeks of that I was fetching my first brand new car and dating my most awesome Plane Boy. So I pulled it down. I was happy and it had worked

Well David and I made a new vision board over the weekend. I was inspired this time by Denise who is also busy with her new one. I honestly wasn’t sure if David would go for it but once he got started he ended up doing a bigger one than I did initially Our plan was to make a combined one. I did my half and he was going to add this half but he ended up fulling up a whole board of his own so I fulled mine up too.

It was great fun. We explained to the kids what each picture represented to us and told them it was our plan for the future and the things we wanted in our lives – for them and for us.

It is actually such an awesome thing to do as a couple because you get an idea of the things the other one finds important. My board was fulled with things to with the new house and lots of pretty things. Davids was fulled with cars, money, houses and lots more words than mine was.

We place importance on different things but once you put the boards together you get a complete future. You get his houses and me decorating them. You get him cycling and me feeding him healthy food. You get a family!

It really is pretty cool!

When I started blogging I got involved in the single parent community and over the years have built up relationships (albeit online relationships) with a few of the parents in that community.

Some of us are now in committed relationships, some are getting married and having babies, some are still having fun with all the wrong ones but some are still somewhere along the journey to finding happiness with a partner.

Reading their blogs makes me a little sad because I know that feeling of hopelessness so well. I know the desperate disappointment when a date goes horrible wrong or when you realise he/she will not be able to handle you and/or your children. It is a lonely, hard time. I feel for those single parents.

My reaction is to say “you will find him/her” or “give it time” or “when you are ready” but I remember those comments on my blog and I remember wanting to rip those people limb from limb. Logically you believe but emotionally you just want to scream “WHY wont anyone love me?” or “I am ready!”

But as cliched as those sayings are they are true. I am glad now that I went through what I went through, the aweful dates, the failed relationships and the forced alone time.

I am glad I waited until I was ready (even if it wasn’t a willing wait). I am glad fate is stronger than me and forced me to take the turns I did.

It has meant that I am now able to be fully 100% in my relationship. I have dealt with my issues, with my ex’s issues and my children’s issues. Our wounds that were so open and raw a few years ago have healed and I no longer feel the hurt and pain I felt daily anymore.

Sometimes we need to do the things we fear the most in order for us to reach a place of peace and happiness.

I am glad I waited. I am now ready to love and be loved. I am ready to build a family that is built on a foundation of love, respect, happiness and openess.

I am glad I waited.

As you all know David doesn’t have  kids and truth be told I think my two may have actually put him off having kids for life.

And as you all also know I like things to be defined. I like to know what role you play in my life. It makes it easier for me to create expectations. While I know what role David plays in my life, I have no idea what role he plays in my childrens life (and I am not sure he does either).

He is not their father and never will be – that is never going to be his role. I suppose he could be a friend? But I am not sure that would work as while his role is not to parent them, it is to support me. He is more than just my boyfriend. He currently spends more time with them than their father does and is more involved in their daily lives, so by default he is more than just my boyfriend.

So then who is he?

I don’t know if this would have been easier if he did have children, I actually don’t think so, because then I also have to deal with an udefined role of being a step mother and we have to deal with the whole blended family dynamic. So I think I got the easier option.

I know this is something that will become clearer with time but right now it is a little hard because I don’t know what I should expect him to do or not do. I am scared of expecting too much or of not expecting enough.

Just when you get passed the trauma that is dating and into a good relationship you are faced with more hurdles and challenges Isn’t life special like that!

Last night I lay watching Coyote Ugly,  listening to a person breathing next to me.

This is the person who spent the better part of the day with me at a school fun day dishing up pap and sauce.

This is the person who drove/walked to 5 different shops with me carrying my bags and pushing my trolleys.

This is the person who hangs up the washing, cooks dinner for my family, washes the dishes.

This is the person who kisses me in the middle of the isle at Dischem.

This is the person who comes to yoga with me and pulls faces at me in the mirror.

This is the person who gently but firmly forces me to face the issues I have with my daughter.

This is the person who feels sad with me.

This is the person who tickles my back and rubs my shoulders.

This is the person who pulls the blanket off me.

This is the person who smses me every morning.

This is my person. This is the person I get to fall asleep with.

This person loves me. This person believes in me and makes me want to stretch a little further, love a little more and laugh a little harder.

This is my person. The person I love.

What I DON’T miss about being single I was having a conversation with a new friend of mine and we were discussing nightlife in Joburg.

He is single and so still frequents many of the night spots Joburg has on offer. It got me thinking about how gross that whole single/clubbing/partying life can become.

I was never much of a clubber person but when you are single you do what you must to find a mate, so have on the odd occasion been seen in places like Billy the Bums.

The whole conversation made me very grateful that I am no longer single. David and I a very active social life but rarely go out to clubs or hot spots in Jozi. In fact I can’t remember the last time we did and I don’t miss it at all.

There are a few more things I really do not miss about being single.

I am not a huge fan of make up and accessories and the latest clothes but when you are heading out to potentially meet your sole mate you have to fake it. Put the lipstick on, squeeze your feet into the heels and teeter on your merry way, praying you don’t fall or get lipstick on your teeth or mascara on your eyelid.

The constant prowling you do when you are single is exhausting. Wherever (PnP has been known to have some cuties walking down its aisles) you go you quickly scan the crowd for a single dude. You start out looking for a cute one and after a few years you are willing to settle for one that has matching socks.

I hate crowds. I do not cope well being crammed into a small dark room with music so loud I think Afghanistan can dance with us. I cope even less with having to push my way through drunken retards who try to chat you up, pinch your bum, undress you with their eyes on your way to the bar.

First dates! I do not miss first dates at all. As nice as it is to meet new people, first dates are not fun. I remember thinking after date one with David “thank goodness that went well, at least I wont have to have a first date again”

As much fun as flirting is when you have to do it its not so much fun. Having to maintain polite conversation with a guy who can only talk about his bank balance can also get rather tedious.

I couldn’t really afford to be single. Spending R200 a night really was not in my budget. Drinks are always over priced and eating out was a nightmare because I could never choose the cheaper options like pizza or a burger.

I often felt hopeless when single. I would come back from a night our or a horrible date and feel hopeless. Not that I would never meet someone but just hopeless at the whole process.

I do not know what it is about people but when they hear you are single, they all but buy you a sympathy card and then when they hear I am a single mom, they start lighting candles and forming prayer groups! There really are worse things than being single!

I do not miss the invites to parties that say “I have invited Bobs brother, shame he is also single” or ” Don’t worry Em will also be there and she is single too”

All in all I really do not miss being single at all Being a plus one is a whole lote more fun.

Sally asked this question yesterday – what would you risk for love?

It has been on my mind since I read it this morning. I am an idealist and a romantic. I beleive in love so my simple answer is – risk it all.

I do believe that though. I beleive you should risk it all for love.

The few men I have loved in my life did not love me back. The may have had deep affection for me but love me they did not. That is until now. Now I have a man who loves me – really loves me. When I look at him I can see it in his eyes. When I am in pain, I can see the pain in his eyes. When I am angry – he feels my anger. When someone hurts me, I see the hurt in his eyes. He loves me.

And let me tell you it is scary. Very scary. The longer we are together and the more intertwined we become the scarier it becomes. Because it is no longer my risk – it is now our risk. We are both risking it all. It raises the stakes.

But there is nothing better than this feeling. There is nothing better than knowing someone loves you in the same way that you love them. There is no better feeling in the world than the feeling of being loved.

Nothing is greater than looking into someones eyes and just knowing that he knows your heart. Nothing is greater than feeling arms around you when you have had a disappointing day and no words are exchanged but he just knows it was rough. Nothing is greater than hearing someone say they would do anything to take your pain away and know that they really would.

Love can’t be put into words or quantified or explained. We often don’t expect to fall in love with the people we do. It may just be the 8th wonder of the world because when you feel loved, truely loved, you can and often do do anything – even things that seemed impossible!

The risk we have taken is worth it because we risked it for love and if you are ever going to risk anything then do it for love and do it with your whole heart.

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  ~Robert Heinlein

Looking back over the year, the theme has definitely been love.

A mothers love – Louisa and my sister-in-law fell pregnant – both a little unexpectedly. Angie and Leigh-anne gave birth to little girls and Tertia a little boy. MeeA decided they needed one more to their clan too

Everlasting love – Angel and Glugster got engaged and so did Sir Noid and Wenchy. My cousin got married, Davids step-cousin also tied the knot and so did Sasha and James.

New love – Dave made Rebecca very happy. Sheena and Jon bonded on a trip to Durban. Cath got post-ited. T reconnected with an old school friend and is still reconnecting And I tweeted and found love in a pub.

Friend love - We started Lent for Liam. We shared birthdays. We blogged and tweeted. We gave thanks.

So pick me. Choose me. Love me. - Meredith Gray – Grays Anatomy

When you start dating again as a single mom you kinda feel like the nerd standing on the school field waiting, hoping you get picked for one of the teams.

You stand watching as the cool kids get picked first, the pretty ones, the athletic ones. The ones you expect to get picked but then the not so cool ones get picked and you are still there. Now and then the captains will make eye contact with, giving you hope but they pick someone else.

You eventually get used to it and you sit under the tree and learn the beauty of your view, while you wait. You learn patience and you learn to appreciate what you have. And you learn that your happiness doesnt come from being picked first.

Your happiness comes from being picked by the person you chose. The person who wants to pick you, not because you can run the fastest or jump the highest but simply because you are you.

When you are picked and you stand next to the person, whose team you are now part of – the world makes sense and you understand why they were all picked before you. Its not because they were better or prettier – its because you werent ready and its because he made it out to the field late.