Harassed Mom

Yesterday at Louisas baby shower we were all asked to write down some parenting advice in a little book, which I actually think could become a great source of comfort for her.

I was battling at the time to think about what advice to offer because you receive so much advice and learn so much – 98% of it you learn by the  mistakes you make.

But as I sat yesterday – doing nothing – I started thinking about the advice I would offer a first time single mom. So here it is Louisa (and anyone else who is having a baby)

• You arent going to know why the baby is crying alot of the time. Its ok. She wont break if she cries a bit. Eliminate the obvious things and then hold her. Pass her to your mom or whoever is nearby – let them hold her. It will pass.
• When some you trust offers help – take it. You can not do it all on your own and thats ok.
• Dont force the breastfeeding issue. If you can great – if you cant then dont. There is enough to stress about you dont need every four hours to become a stressful thing.
• You will more than likely put a disposable nappy on the wrong way at least once.
• Rest when you get home. There is no sane reason WHY you have to be bathed and dressed by 8h00. Do it when and if you can.
• Starting baby on peanut butter sandwiches at 6 weeks is really not a good idea.
• If she is sleeping – dont wake her – ever. Even if she is sleeping 8 hours – it happens at least once in their lives. Enjoy those 8 hours.
• Trust yourself. She is your child – you know her best. You know what she needs (or doesnt need) – take the words offered – but trust yourself the most.

You wont understand it now – but the moment you hear her cry, your life will forever more change. It will no longer be yours. It will be hers and you wont mind. Its unexplainable – the love a mother has for her child.

I have been an unwed mother, I have been a married mother and am now a single mother!

Out of all those I have found the most support as a single mother from other single mothers. Why is that?

Is it because we have no other choice? Or is it because as a single mother you learn a humility and tolerance that comes only from having been through the trauma of a break up, the custody battles, the fighting, the dark days? Is it because we have to get up and face our demons head on and battle through them?

I have the most amazing network of single moms who provide me with the such incredible support and encouragement and understanding. They help where they can. They do not judge. They do not compete with me. They accept my dysfunction. They accept me.

I never found that when I was married. I found competition instead. I found judgement and competition.

Now I totally understand this is a generalisation and I have some amazing married friends but they are new friends I have made while being single – it is different.

Maybe its the space I am in now? Maybe its because I am more content in who I am?

I have yet to meet a single mom who has not been willing to open up and share her story. To offer support, share advise and tips. There is an instant connection. We are united instantly. We stand together against the time share dads and the faulty systems. We stand up for the dads who are taking on their responsibility.

We hold each others hands while sitting in the hard benches waiting for our day in court.

Single moms seem to find it easier to unite.

I am back! Back home! Unpacked and it feels like I never left – strange that hey!

Anyway while I was away there was a contest over at Dads house and I won The deal was right a post about Spring – anything you want as long as it has a Spring theme! And my post was chosen as one of the 3 winners. I am so super chuffed. I have lots of respect for Dads House. He has been blogging for a lot longer than I have and so to be chosen to win this is very special. And the post I wrote was not something I usually write so that made it a little more meaningful.

Congrats to Eathan and June.

Today is starting with a bang. I was interviewed for this article on being a single mom, working and studying and they need photos – we have been trying to sort the shoot out for 2 weeks. I go this morning – I forgot to mention to the lady I had to bring my kids but its only an hour I figure they should make it that long. I am sort of excited about it actually cos they do my hair and make up! It does mean I miss pilates again which I am very bummed about – I really need the work out but oh well tomorrow is another day!

Oh and I got the marks for my first Comm assignment yesterday and I am kinda chuffed with myself! So far so good. Hopefully my eco marks are published soon too!

Right now I am in Cape Town! Right now my kids are in Pretoria!

We are hundreds miles apart. While I am probably having a great time, I am also probably missing them!

Last year my mom took them down to Durban for a few days and it allowed me to have a little break too. It is needed and welcomed. So I dont really feel guilty but being away from them is weird.

Their dad really isnt a constant and so we have gotten so used to being the three of us. I do go out. I do have adult time. But the majority of the time when I go out they go with me. We move as a unit. The three of us.

When they do go to their dad I am miserable. I feel lost. Yes I go out and have fun and am greatful for the chance to re-charge but by mid day on sunday I want them back. I want to hear them fighting. I want to get up 100000 times to make them coffee. I want them near me.

As much as I was looking forward to going to Cape Town and being able to sleep late and do big people things, I would have loved them to be with me.

We are three. We are a little unit that functions as one. Where one goes the other goes. And if one isnt there, it just isnt quiet the same!

I am excited about my trip to Cape Town!

Part of my excitment is that I get to spend time with someone special but right now an even big part of my excitement is that I get to leave the kids behind!

Now before you all freak out I LOVE my kids and I KNOW I will miss them horrible and really would have prefered they came with but it didnt happen like that!

I am so very excited that for 5 whole nights and 6 full days I will get to…

Sleep the ENTIRE night through – noone to wake me up, noone to pee on me

Wake up when and if I want to – noone waking me up early asking for tea or for the tv to go on (maybe even I will be woken up with tea)

Eat in restaurants that do not have kiddies areas or deco that is so bling I need sunglasses to walk in

Eat my food hot as soon as its dished up

Be called LAURA instead of “mom mom mom mom mom” or “moooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee”

And finally what I am most especially looking forward to is the fact that for a few days other people have to make sure I am fed and looked after!

Seriously people BLISS!

Before you read this post please pop over to the very cute Bergens blog. He has written a post about dating a single mom. Its a nice take on the guys side of it! Just dont forget to come back though .

Cameron came home about two weeks ago and sat down to do his homework. He opened his folder and next minute I hear him talking so I look up and my son is READING. READING sentances. I was like WOW! That is so very WOW!

It is the most amazing thing to see your child progressing and learning new things and ultimately stepping towards their independance. It does get a little tricky now. I was on twitter yesterday and next minute I hear my tweet being spelled out.

Not only is he now reading but he is writing too. He has had two spelling tests and received full marks for both! YAY CAMERON! And a bit of a brag but he has the neatest most precise hand writing. Even my mom commented on it.

While we were at lunch on saturday he started adding up how much things were. It was all a little advanced for him but he was trying and getting the principle right.

So there you have it – 2 months in Grade 1 and my child can read, write and add! Isnt it just amazing sometimes being a mother.

I want to help women who are trying to get divorced or going through custody issues!

If I had known half of what I know now about the law I would not be sitting where I am now!

Our need to let go and move on with our lives makes us vulnerable to lawyers who we think have our best interests at heart.

I know of a lady who has just signed a settlement that her lawyer said was the best she would get. Her ex husband doesn’t have to pay medical aid for her girls. Her lawyer made her believe fighting for it was not worth it.

It makes me so angry that we are forced into situations like this – because we do not know better or feel that it really is the best we will get.

I don’t have a definite plan yet. For now I will use my blog to document my journey. My ex forced us through the Family Advocate, paternity tests and a whole lot more so I have experienced pretty much every single scenario you can in a divorce with children involved.

I believe in the law. I believe the laws do protect the best interests of the child. I believe the laws are fair and just. I do not, however, believe in lawyers. I understand fighting without them is a lot harder. But if you know your facts they can not walk over you. You can not be threatened because you know that what is being threatened is not possible.

Knowing your rights gives you the power.

This is something I have come to feel strongly about. I have an amazing support structure. There are so many that do not have that.

This is a post where I am confused alot – so it may not always make sense!

I had a date last night. A really nice date with a really nice, sexy man!

He arrived with roses – which is the first time anyone has ever bought me roses on a date. He is the one who will lay his jacket down over a puddle so you can walk over it. He is the kinda guy who will bring you breakfast in bed just because he can.

He is THAT guy!

He is the good guy. The one I WANT to be with. The one any women WANTS to be with.

But in true disfunctional Aries drama queen fashion I decided it wasnt what I wanted!

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Well this morning I am am banging my head against the wall and asking myself WHY?

I am trying to be grown up about the relationships I begin/end and right now I have a fair amout of unresolved issues I need to face and deal with. So it would be unfair to be with THAT guy when I couldnt be with him 100%. Right? I would be hey?

I am pretty sure though that him and I will remain friends and grow that. So it wasnt the end of the road totally.

It has given me a push to actually start dealing with the things I need to deal with though! There are a few things holding me back from relationships and its time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal!

I managed to read three whole books this holiday and none of them contained pictures. It was a pretty big accomplishment for me! And I think I need to acknowledge my kids for actually allowing me that much free time!

The first book I read was “I don’t know who she does it” by Allison Pearson. I loved it! I devoured it and wanted to read it all over again just to experience it one more time!

The main character, Kate, is a working mom with 2 small children. She has a high-powered job as a stockbroker and travels weekly so has to rely heavily on the over-paid nanny and her husband.

This was probably one of the most honest accounts of being a working mother that I have ever read. Pearson holds nothing back. Kate is tired, stressed, resentful, happy, sad, excited. She doesn’t have enough hours in the day but still manages to find time to embark on an email affair.

Pearson creates a very defined us vs. them – us being the working moms and them being the stay-at-home moms who Kate calls “The Mother Superiors”. This “war” is a very real one, one that I have come up against often since becoming a mother. There is always something we could have done better, or remembered or baked that the SAHMs did.

What really hit was when the Mother Superiors ask her at every gathering if she has gone half day and when she replies no they reply with a “I don’t know how you do it!” Her HR manager also frequently comments, “I don’t know how you do it” Kate’s simple reply to that was to smile because I don’t think she knew how she did it – she just did!

That is the story of my life, and I know of so many others too – single and married working moms. We just do it because it needs to be done.

The relationship she has with her children is also portrayed with raw reality. Kate misses her children every day! Each time she travels over seas she brings her daughter a Barbie back – purely out of guilt! But when she goes away with them on holiday she can’t wait to get back to work. She starts the day talking calmly and taking time to listen but soon ends up snapping and yelling as she tries to get everyone out the house in time.

I identified with the relationship she had with her children – it is the relationship I have with mine.

If you are a working mom – go get this book NOW! It’s an easy read so you can sneak time in here and there to get through it!

I posted a while ago about the nature of my daughter!

Well it seems we may now need help in dealing with the issues she is trying to deal with.

And it seems the issues stem from the re-appearance of her father.

Kiara is an exceptionally perceptive and intuitive child. She also experiences emotions that a little girl really shouldnt.

She has formed an exceptionally close bond with her teacher and I am eternally grateful for this. Her teacher and I also very open and honest with each other and last week we had many chats about the conversations she had had with Kiara. Nothing is prompted. Kiara just opens up.

The first one came on Tuesday when she told me Kiara had mentioned they were going to their dads house on the weekend. When the teacher asked if she was excited – she replied “I dont know”. That night Kiara became my shadow – to the point I was literally tripping over her. She also told me about 10000 times how much she loves me! This continued until they were collected on Friday!

Wednesdays conversation got my blood boiling. At playtime she went and lay on the step and told everyone to leave her alone. Eventually she went to the teacher and started rambling on and on and on. One of the things she said was she wants to go and live with her dad. When asked why she replied “Because my mom never lets him call us and she always asks him for money”

I promise you I saw RED!!!!! My ex has my cell no, the house no and both my parents no. I have NEVER once missed call from him or told him not to call. In fact the kids have left countless voice messages for him – he never answers if I call. And I have never once mentioned that I get money from him or suggested I have asked him. So all this information is coming from him!

My little girl now feels torn. She loves us both but she feels guilty for having fun with him and having fun with me. I try very hard to make sure that she knows her dad loves her and that I am ok with that. We talk about their weekends and I often tell them that their dad misses me or stuff he said on an email about what they did. But its clear I am not being awarded the same courtesy.

So after very long chats with the teacher – we have decided to send Kiara to play therapy next year. There are two main reasons – one is we both need help in dealing with this. I need to know what to do and say to make her life seem less confusing. And secondly I need a neautral third party who is willing to communicate these issues to my ex in way that he doesnt feel like we are blaming him!

Last week was a tough week for me. I can see my child is going through something. I can see the turmoil. I hear the anxiety in her voice. And I have no idea how to make it better.

Its hard sometimes!