Harassed Mom

When I started blogging I got involved in the single parent community and over the years have built up relationships (albeit online relationships) with a few of the parents in that community.

Some of us are now in committed relationships, some are getting married and having babies, some are still having fun with all the wrong ones but some are still somewhere along the journey to finding happiness with a partner.

Reading their blogs makes me a little sad because I know that feeling of hopelessness so well. I know the desperate disappointment when a date goes horrible wrong or when you realise he/she will not be able to handle you and/or your children. It is a lonely, hard time. I feel for those single parents.

My reaction is to say “you will find him/her” or “give it time” or “when you are ready” but I remember those comments on my blog and I remember wanting to rip those people limb from limb. Logically you believe but emotionally you just want to scream “WHY wont anyone love me?” or “I am ready!”

But as cliched as those sayings are they are true. I am glad now that I went through what I went through, the aweful dates, the failed relationships and the forced alone time.

I am glad I waited until I was ready (even if it wasn’t a willing wait). I am glad fate is stronger than me and forced me to take the turns I did.

It has meant that I am now able to be fully 100% in my relationship. I have dealt with my issues, with my ex’s issues and my children’s issues. Our wounds that were so open and raw a few years ago have healed and I no longer feel the hurt and pain I felt daily anymore.

Sometimes we need to do the things we fear the most in order for us to reach a place of peace and happiness.

I am glad I waited. I am now ready to love and be loved. I am ready to build a family that is built on a foundation of love, respect, happiness and openess.

I am glad I waited.

I wrote a post a while ago about qualities that I want in my most ideal man!

I wasnt in a very good space emotionally last year in November though. I was just managed to poke my head out from under the drama and heart ache of Mr Heartbreaker. I was in the middle of the whole Soccer Boy thing. I was dysfunctional and confused and really just wanted my knight in shining armour to ride in and save the day!

So I thought it might me interesting to make a new list now. I am stronger and happier now. I have a very clear sense of what I do not want in a man – more than I had then. But more importantly I have a very clear idea of what I do want.

There are a few things on that list that I still want but there are a few more I need to add.

So the new things on my list are:

BRUSH YOUR TEETH! Or at the very least chew a dentyne before you attempt to kiss me! Seriously there is NOTHING worse! NOTHING! I have been lucky with this for the most part but you know how it is – there is always ONE!

SEE ME I know that this is not something you can actually work on – you either do it your dont. There have been two men in my life that have actually been able to do this. To look at me and see ME! Its not something I can explain really but if its there I will know!

Stand up to me I am a strong women. I have opinions and thoughts and ideas and I like to get my own way. I am irrational and unrealistic at times. You need to be able to stand up to that and tell me when enough is enough without controlling me. It is possible.

You have to like kids You dont necessarily want to have more kids but you have to be ok with the noise and chaos that is small children.

He has to be older! This is now an non-negotiable with me! I need an older man. I need the maturity. I need the confidence that comes with an older man. The whole “I am comfortable in my skin” thing. I need that.

The list, I realise, is getting very long but honestly I am tired of letting Nemo go back into the fish pond dating pool. I would like, now, a decent one who meets those requirements

This is not the adult kind of jealousy. This is of the “my son is jealous of my guy friend” kinda jealousy. I am not really sure how to handle it.

Mr Roses was up this weekend – not for me, there is no romantic story here. The facts remain the same – he is there and I am here and the distance in between is too big.

But non the less he was up this weekend we spent a fair amount of time together. It was the first time that Cameron has been openly jealous. If we walked next to each other he would walk in the middle of us, pushing us apart. His behaviour deterioriated the minute Mr Roses was there. He wouldnt listen, he talked back to me. He was in general a bit of a brat.

For the most part I ignored it because I wasnt really sure what to do? It is the first time it has happened. Granted they have not met many men I have dated, in fact I think Mr Roses was the second man they actually met. Maybe it is because there has been such a long gap between me actually being with someone around them? Maybe he sensed my feelings for Mr Roses? Maybe he was making Freud proud and flexing his male muscle about having someone appear to be encrouching on his space?

It does worry me a little. What happens when I meet someone who I really do want to get involved with long term?

Kiara, being Kiara, had to throw in some delightful words too and asked us if we were getting married because she knows we are in love.

Dating and kids – FUN FUN FUN FUN!

There has been alot of posts in single-parent land about dating another single parent and how the single parent deals with dating!

But what about the single man/women who chooses to date a person with kids?

How do they feel?

On Friday night I had a discussion about this that really opened my eyes to the other side of it! And then Sunday I was faced with questions from a single guy that I had never really considered either!

When a single guy decides to date a women with kids he has alot to consider. And its not just his effect on the children. Because ultimately kids are resilient and tougher than we give them credit for.

They also have to consider the ex-husband or baby-daddy. It has never really been much of an issue for me because my kids father is a time-share dad so not around enough for it to really matter.

But what about the dad who is involved. The one who pitches every second weekend and once during the week? The one who takes his kids on holidays and attends school functions? What happens then?

Well ultimately the single-guy then embarks on a three-way relationships with the mother and the ex. He becomes intertwined in all their lives and has to deal with everything that may arise from that.

Isnt that pretty scary? Well it scares me if the roles were flipped around! So I can totally understand hesitation from single guys to make a commitment to women with children. Granted it is something you can work around and millions of families make it work BUT I still understand the hesitation.

Because not only do you have to consider your partner when making a decision, like moving? Or going on a holiday! But you now need to consider the ex too.

Thats pretty hectic isnt it!

My kids met a friend of mine on Sunday. Before he met them he asked me how my ex would respond if he found out. I can honestly say it has never actually occured to me what he thinks. He is so uninvolved that I really dont think he deserves the right to say anything!

But the fact remains that these are things that concern single guys! It is what influences their decision to date a single mom and they are things that need to be considered!

href=”http://harassedmomsramblings.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/images.jpg”>There has been a very thought provoking and deep discussion going on in my little single parenting blogging world. Its really effected me and made me think!

Dads House started it for me with his message to the universe. Basically he was saying you need to be happy and condition your mind to attract it – whatever it may be that it is you want!

So this go me thinking about what radar I am putting up? Am I actually my own worst enemy and attracting the string of dysfunctional men I have met? Does my radar say “Yes I am ok to be your fuck buddy!” And if it does – WHY does it? Cos thats NOT how I feel? Its NOT what I want yet its what I attract?

Is changing my radar as simple as DH makes it sounds? Do I just need to say it every morning?

I cant answer that just yet – I dont know how.

Then Mama Llama responded to another of DHs posts and her response hit me harder than his did – possible because she was a women.

The discussions have centred around sexiness coming from within. I totally lost myself in my marriage. I lost my self confidence. I lost the belief that I am sexy as I am. Yes he told me I was beautiful – provided I obeyed and dressed like he wanted, said what he wanted, did what he wanted. I eventually became his puppet.

One of the first nights I went out after I left I wore a velvet strappy top I had bought a few years ago – I was never allowed to wear it – he called it my slut top. I felt like a teenager rebelling. I had never felt sexier and have never had so many people tell me what a sexy top it was. Its now my date night top!

It was one of the most liberating things I have done and was the start of my journey to re-discover who I was and what I want again.

I agree that happiness and sexiness comes from within and its up to you to make yourself feel that way. It is really something only you can do and I can honestly say I havent liked myself this much in years!

But I still need to validated. I still need the touch of the one person who makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach. I need the open arms at the end of a bad day. I need the sound of breathing next to me as I fall asleep! I need to hear “Baby you look amazing” when he arrives unannounced and I am in my pjs with my bed hair.

I need it not to make feel complete! I need it because I need to give it back!

My kids are friends with a brother and sister their age. Its the same friends they slept over at.

Their mom is also a single mom and is also having alot of the same issues with her ex as I am so we are slowly forging a friendship.

Carmen was supposed to sleep over by us this weekend but Carol mailed me today to tell me that Carmen had repeatedly run in the street so they had decided adequate punishment would be that she misses the sleep over!

Carol did apologise as it also meant that Cameron was indirectly “punished” aswell.

But she felt she had to stand by her decision. And I agree with her 100%. Actually I am a little in awe of her.

I lack consistancy with disciplining my kids. I can threaten really well but battle to actually follow through. So her bold move has inspired me – not to punish my kids but to try be a little more consistent and follow through.

Its hard some days though to constantly wage war with my 6 year old. His teacher has assured me though that it is an age thing and will pass once he hits grade 1.

I really do hope so!

Today was a rough day!

I have been given extra work which is GREAT! But its really intense work so its pretty draining!

Then I had to take my car back cos its STILL over heating!! So I chat to the dude at the dealership and we agree he changes the radiator which he quoted me R1800 – cool I have that (ok not really but I can make a plan). He calls me at 4h05 – come fetch the car its R3100!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started crying!

I dont have R3100 – so have to ask my mom! She can help but not today so my car is sleeping out tonight! I wasnt angry it cost so much but with the fact he didnt let me know earlier so I could have organised the extra money!

But its done – will get it tomorrow and that car better purr like a porshe!

I was a little down about it when I got home but then my brothers sister in law called me in response to a mail I sent her about my divorce (she is a lawyer) and she offered to take my case over!!! Can you say YAY YAY YAY!!!!! My current lawyer is really not the best and just does nothing constructive! So as soon as I have paid the outstanding money to him she will take over!

So it ended on a GREAT note!!

I have been thinking alot lately about what I want from my blog and where I see it going!

I started this blog as part of a challenge to take a photo a day for a year. I lasted a few months and then lost interest. Then I started writing about my dating experiences, my kids and just generally everyday life.

It was good to be writing again but I was so clueless about the world of blogging that I would just write and wasnt really to concerned about anything else. That is, until Jeanette became a regular reader. She became my blogging big sister and encouraged me to get my blog out there and noticed. And so with a huge amount of patience from her I registered on Technorati, SA Bloggers and various other websites. I really do feel often that had it not been for her support I wouldnt be where I am today with my blog!

I then joined the Weekly Winners and people actually started commented on my posts. People I didnt know. People who were saying nice things. I was giddy with excitement.

I found a few other weekly memes to take part in aswell. It was fun and the responses were really awesome.

Then I started looking for single parents blogs and found the most amazing women and men I could relate to. And this is where it all changed.

The tone of my blog changed to sharing more about dating, being a single parent and the challenges of having an ex. I was writing and loving it and being acknowledged for it.

I like structure and currently my blog lacks structure – it needs one specific direction. So I have decided to leave all the weekly memes – except for Weekly Winners – I really enjoy that and do love taking photos.

So there you go – my saturday ramblings. I am off now to babysit 3 of the cutest little boys – there will a total of FIVE kids in the house shortly and I am a little nervous. I will be outnumbered! And then Kiara has a party followed by a friends 30th!!

I have had a pretty exhausting week so dont have the energy to blog about anything hectic – eventhough I want to run something by you all – will have to wait till the weekend!

So I thought we could talk about cooking baby since it seems to be a pretty hot topic at the moment.

Rachel talked about it and what it mean if a man buys pumpkin. Dadshouse offered some recipes.

Despite my 2 years of training in the kitchen at hotel school I still wont can not cook. Its really not something I enjoy at all.

I actually think its hereditary – my mother can not cook. Yes she got us fed and continues to do so but there have been many nights we all rather stuck with toast.

And there is, after all, nothing I can do about genes now is there? Its my fate!

If I can buy a cake I dont see the point of making it? If I can buy a tin of tomato paste why not? I mean imagine we all did these things from scratch all the poor people bottling, baking, making the convenience food would be without jobs and do you want that on your conscience – I certainly dont.

Having said that I do try ensure my family have a healthy diet. We eat our fruit and veggies and dont really do take aways and stuff but Martha Stewart I am not!

Chances are I will be cruising the shopping isles looking for a heat and eat pumpkin pie and ready made banana loaf secure in the knowledge that I am assisting with job creation.

So can YOU cook?

I am a dating disaster! No really I am.

I started dating about 2 and half years ago. I checked out of my marriage months before I actually left so by the time I did leave I was craving a male connection.

I found one pretty quickly. He was a sweet guy, he was good looking, he was fun, he was smart and he was a mamas boy. Like REALLY a mamas boy. He was 29 and still lived at home – which I have NO issues with but it did become a problem when our conversations about what we would do on Friday night went like this

Me: So what we doing on Friday – I dont have kids

Mr MamasBoy: Nothing. I have to do the washing?

Me: WHAT? Its FRIDAY night – do it tomorrow?

Mr MamasBoy: I cant my mom likes it done on a Friday night

HUH?

And he was serious about this. Friday night was washing night! I was more than welcome to join him and watch the washing machine revolve – but washing he would do. After fighting about it for weeks and getting nowhere I let it go! Mommy (yes he called her mommy) soon dominated our lives. We couldnt do things cos mommy needed curtains hung, rooms painted or she was simple to fragile to be left alone. It fascinated me. I also lived at home. My mom also expected me to do stuff but she also knew I had a LIFE and was not tied to her or my dad for that matter.

I eventually gave up. Mommy won! I can compete with just about anything but I draw the line at mommies! He was devastated and I felt horrible – he actually did love me! But he loved mommy more.

Enter then Mr Bad Boy Wannabe. I didnt as much date Mr Bad Boy Wannabe as I bank rolled him. He WANTED to be a Bad Boy and did know alot of people. So we were let into VIP lounges and treated like important people (some of the time). But he NEVER had money and his car was always somewhere else. So I became his chaufeur and bank manager. He would call me in the middle of the night – actually he would send me please call mes (he never had money on his phone) and beg me to come rescue him from the clutches of some or other gangster. It originally excited me. I was a Bad Boys Girl. I got to push past the girls in the queue to clubs.  But when the gangsters I was rescuing him from were friends tired of loaning him money and the clubs started fulling up with Nigerians and Arabs who wanted to marry me the novelty wore off. Being a Bad Boy Wannabe Girls wasnt really that great.

Mr Rich was next in line. He owned his own company. He was older than me. He had power. I was in awe. He was a single dad with custody of his 7 year old. I was in more awe. We went out a few times – it was nice. But I was 17 years younger and we were at totally different places. I liked him (ok maybe I liked his FANTASTIC house and HOT car) and would have liked to keep seeing him(FINE I could actually see myself in the FANTASTIC house and HOT car). But it just sort of fizzled out. Until a few months later he asked could he see me – he had a job opportunity for me. WOOHOO I was beyond excited. We met and he proceeded to start outlining the job! I went COLD. He was BRIBING ME! My company dealt with his and he wanted to give me extra money to push his stuff to the front of the line. He even had the audacity to bring up the fact I was a single mom and this would allow me to move out. I wanted to VOMIT! I have NEVER been so repulsed by anyone – EVER! Still the house was REALLY fantastic and the car was SOO hot.

Mr Cape Town made a brief appearance – he flew up from Cape Town to meet me (we met online) and it was horrible. I spent 2 dates listening about his ex girlfriend. I smiled sweetly at the end of date 2 and gave him some advice on how to get her back. They are apparently very happy together now! I am glad cos he actually had serious stalker potential. Before I met him he had all but done up the kids rooms for them. (YES I know what you thinking – I dont see the looser SIGNS early enough)

Then there was VW Boy – we didnt really date though. We were fuck buddies friends with benefits. He was HOT. The sex was HOT. Then I got bored and he didnt and suddenly I had a stalker on my hands. It took me months of ignoring him before he finally got the message that I was NOT going to get up at 1 in the morning to have sex with him (in his car). He was relentless and in the beginning I was flattered that someone would want to have sex with me THAT badly. Surely there were others more willing?  But then, 2 months later, it kinda freaked me out.

These gems were just the ones who I saw more than once. The bulk of my dates havent make it passed date 1. Not sure though I am ready for the humiliation of sharing my one date wonders. They inlcude a soldier home for the weekend after months somewhere in Africa, a single dad who drove 5 hours to have sex with me see me, a pilot how invited me home just to tell me he felt no chemistry? And let me not start on the amount of married men who find me irresistable! To the point one of my first questions now is “are you married?” followed by “are you SURE”

It has become apparent I am a dysfunctional magnet. The more issues the better really.