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Dear parents, your children have no respect because neither do you. An open letter to parents everywhere.

“Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.” –Carl Jung

Being a parent is hard, we know this. There is no training manual, no blanket approach that works for every child, there are no office hours and every day something new happens that challenges you or confuses you. It is also the one thing that every single person is judging you on. The world stands in judgement of parents everywhere. Parents today are so hung up on making sure they tell everyone (myself included here) “Don’t judge me, you don’t know me”. It has almost become the universal excuse for parents to do whatever they want.

Perhaps it is time we all stop and listen to what those people who are judging us are saying and maybe stop and think if they maybe have a point!

Perhaps instead of saying “don’t judge me” when your child is being a brat*, discipline them.

When your child is talking to you like you are less than an amoeba, stop saying “don’t judge my parenting” and demand they speak respectfully to you.

Recently Cameron and I witnessed a child being bullied at his school. It was very blatant. There was no room for error. Child A was kicking Child B in the side and Child B, half the size of Child A, was clearly not enjoying the experience. I saw this, my 12 year old saw this but you know what else we saw? Three cars with parents in, watching this all play out. Not one of them said a word. Not one of them attempted to break it up. When I was thinking about it afterwards I was angrier with the parents than with the little bully.

I judged every single one of those parents! I judged them harshly. I have a few words for those parents who condoned the behaviour of a bully.

Dear Parents Who Stand By and Watch,

Maybe it wasn’t your child lying on the ground being kicked but do you know what lesson you were teaching every single child who saw you do nothing?

You are telling the bully – it is acceptable for you to be mean.

You are telling the child being bullied – it is acceptable for you to be bullied.

You are telling the children standing around – the behaviour you are witnessing is acceptable.

You are telling your child – it is acceptable to do nothing.

Are any one of those lessons the lessons you want your child to learn? No? Me either. But by being passive, those are exactly the lessons you are teaching your children, and ultimately mine.

You need to wake up.

Stop expecting the teachers to teach your kids about respect, compassion and kindness!

There is no app that teaches your child manners, despite what the app store may tell you. YOU teach your child manners! The way YOU speak teaches them how to speak to other people!

You have no right to say “The children of today have no respect” when YOU haven’t taught them respect.

You have no right to say “The children of today don’t have manners” when YOU haven’t taught them their manners.

You have no right to say “The children of today feel entitled” when YOU have given them everything without question and without consequence.

Being a parent is hard but you chose to do it, you can’t back out now. You need to make the tough choices, deal with the boundaries being challenged. You don’t get a break, you are a parent 24/7, you don’t get to pass the baton over to a teacher, pastor, friend or gran – it is YOUR job.

I am not a perfect parent. I was not a hero for stopping to reprimand the bully. My kids aren’t angels. David and I stumble and fall every single day. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we get it horribly wrong but we SHOW UP! We soldier on.

We refuse to allow our children to believe that watching a bully kick another child is acceptable.

I judge each and every one of you and I judge you harshly and I pray that if your child is every on the receiving end of a bully, that someone stands up for them, despite the fact that you didn’t!

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4 Responses

  1. So well said!!! I find that I stand alone a lot as it is easier to be absent of play ostrich! My daughter came back from a sleepover and her comment was about the way the Mom allowed her son to speak to her – my 11 year old noticed it and it bothered her tremendously! Parents need to be parents, not best friends or the winner of the popularity contest – kids want and need parents!

  2. I have the same complaint as a teacher when parents were just sitting around letting their kids do bad stuff and as the teacher I had to intervene and stop them. It frustrated me that they did not back me up.
    On the other hand this backfired on me when I went to stay with my sister and she did not appreciate me helping with the discipline!

  3. As I mentioned on Twitter, I find it shocking that some schools (like ours) have policies that prevent a parent from addressing a bully directly (unless it’s their own child). I was called in by the principal once after speaking to a child whom I saw kicking my own child right in front of me. What I told her was that it is NOT okay to kick another child and that if I saw her doing it again, I would report her to the principal. Apparently, that’s not allowed. Apparently, I was supposed to not say anything and just go straight to the principal while the little brat continued to terrorize my child.
    Good for you that you stopped to reprimand that bully. Great post!

  4. I know some parents who teach their children to respect them but neglect to teach them to respect others. I have had kids at my house who walk round with plates of food, spilling everywhere, or older boys who I saw stomping on my childs toys! Yet they are scared of their parents. What’s the point of that? I won’t stand by if I see bullying. I am not a confrontational person but I do not sit back and ignore that. While I do understand to some degree why a school would have a policy that you can’t confront a bully, I don’t think it is right. We all need to stand up and speak up there and then, not tiptoe around it like the school is likely to do. I understand some parents get upset over one incident where the kids may have been arguing and smacked each other as kids do, and may confront the other child. That’s not ok, but if you see a child attacking another child, how can you look away? A little boy punched my daughter in a public play area, and while the mother did make him apologise, my husband shouted at him that it is not ok to punch other kids. To her credit the mom accepted that, and I hope that boy thinks twice before he hits anyone else. While it is not nice to scare children, sometimes a little fear of consequences is a good thing. There are too few consequences for kids these days. Excellent post.

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