href=”http://harassedmomsramblings.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/images.jpg”>There has been a very thought provoking and deep discussion going on in my little single parenting blogging world. Its really effected me and made me think!
Dads House started it for me with his message to the universe. Basically he was saying you need to be happy and condition your mind to attract it – whatever it may be that it is you want!
So this go me thinking about what radar I am putting up? Am I actually my own worst enemy and attracting the string of dysfunctional men I have met? Does my radar say “Yes I am ok to be your fuck buddy!” And if it does – WHY does it? Cos thats NOT how I feel? Its NOT what I want yet its what I attract?
Is changing my radar as simple as DH makes it sounds? Do I just need to say it every morning?
I cant answer that just yet – I dont know how.
Then Mama Llama responded to another of DHs posts and her response hit me harder than his did – possible because she was a women.
The discussions have centred around sexiness coming from within. I totally lost myself in my marriage. I lost my self confidence. I lost the belief that I am sexy as I am. Yes he told me I was beautiful – provided I obeyed and dressed like he wanted, said what he wanted, did what he wanted. I eventually became his puppet.
One of the first nights I went out after I left I wore a velvet strappy top I had bought a few years ago – I was never allowed to wear it – he called it my slut top. I felt like a teenager rebelling. I had never felt sexier and have never had so many people tell me what a sexy top it was. Its now my date night top!
It was one of the most liberating things I have done and was the start of my journey to re-discover who I was and what I want again.
I agree that happiness and sexiness comes from within and its up to you to make yourself feel that way. It is really something only you can do and I can honestly say I havent liked myself this much in years!
But I still need to validated. I still need the touch of the one person who makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach. I need the open arms at the end of a bad day. I need the sound of breathing next to me as I fall asleep! I need to hear “Baby you look amazing” when he arrives unannounced and I am in my pjs with my bed hair.
I need it not to make feel complete! I need it because I need to give it back!