So it appears the universe WANTS me to learn the lesson!
Well isnt that so just fan-fucking-tastic! NO! Its not really! I am not ready!
I spent yesterday with Mr Broker. The intention was to go for coffee and then head back to his place. But there were no expectations.
So we meet for coffee and start talking. We talked about his past, my past, Mr Heartbreaker (they are best friends), relationships, what we wanted from life and each other.
Basically he was torn – going home with me or not. He has a girlfriend but they are in a very open relationship but he still was not sure he wanted to open a door with me. So we umed and ahhed for a while and then ended up back at his place!
There we sat on his close. Our knees touching. His hands holding mine. And we talked! And talked and talked! It was intense. We talked about the recent revelations I posted about. About my need for control. About my use of sex in a relationship. We talked about my relationship with Mr Heartbreaker – its so amazing to be able to talk to someone about it who KNOWS him.
The sexual tension was thick. We wanted each other. We really really wanted each other. There was some kissing and very discreet touching. It was intense!
But nothing happened. He was trying to be “good”. He was trying to be faithful (a foreign concept to us both). And as much as he wanted me he could not sleep with me.
I will be honest I was slightly devastated. His reasoning for not doing was totally reasonable and respectable. He is only the second man to EVER turn me down – EVER!
During my chat with my friend the day before she said to me “what would happen if you were in a relationship where you didnt focus on having sex on the first date?” I replied “I would go off my head”
And I was right. This is a totally unique, totally scary feeling.
But I get the message! I do get what the universe is trying to tell me. No really I do! It has given me no choice but to GET IT!
So as of today I am officially totally 100% single. I have no Mr Heartbreaker (he is overseas), No Mr Friend (he hasnt spoken to me in over 2 weeks), no Soccer Boy, no Mr Broker (well not as a love interest anyway but a definate friend).
I am going to try and focus inward for a while and see if I can figure some things out.
I am sad and scared and confused. It feels like the rug has been ripped from under me and now I have to learn how to walk on shaky ground. My friend, Shuia has faith I can do it and will be ok so I maybe I will.