***This is a slightly ranty post but it has been brewing for a while so I am sharing it***
When I first become a parent and joined an online forum, I was young, naive and had a huge chip on my shoulder. I judged pretty much everyone who wasn’t doing what I did. I was pretty self righteous and if I was a guy I think I would have been called a douch!
I have openly judged many moms and dads, often unfairly and I have been open judged, often unfairly. I have done a lot of growing up and a lot of accepting that I have wasn’t always as nice and supportive as I could have been. Removing myself from online parenting forums* and groups was instrumental in me realising how destructive I was being – to myself and those around me.
Recently I joined a group, it is, overall a great group and there is lots of really great advise and support but every now and then I am reminded why the mommy wars will never end. It is simply because, as mothers, we have our heads up our own arses so much we can’t see the bigger picture! Combine that with a little case of mob mentality and a complete loss of common sense.
I have always been very outspoken about my dislike for breastfeeding and my love of c-sections – do I hunt down every women who breastfeeds and pushes her baby out? NO! Why don’t I do that? BECAUSE IT IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE!
Berating me for feeding my kid Purity is NOT HELPFUL. Its NOT being supportive! Despite what you want to keep telling me – it is not making me feel like you have my back!
Implying I am doing my child a disservice by not sacrificing my entire life to spend every second playing, educating and being with him, is DESTRUCTIVE!
Getting all your friends to gang up against me and rip my opinions apart because you disagree is MEAN! It makes you a BULLY!
Recently Heather and I had an argument about one of our sponsors. We were (and still are) on totally opposite sides about it. She wanted to go left and I wanted to go right. We both felt equally strong about our points of view. Did I attack her as a person? Was she mean to me? Did either one of us make the other one feel small? NO! We argued it out respectfully. No one was hurt.
My friend Ansie and I have very heated arguments about a lot of stuff. We get angry and passionate. We disagree a lot of the time and that’s ok!
One of my biggest issues with online anything is that once we see someone has support, we all jump on the band wagon and think its ok to personally attack other people. I read a thread this morning that had me wondering if these women would say these things in person? They were really being mean and the more momentum it gained the more hurtful they became.
WHY? What is the point? To make someone feel worse than you do? It is NOT to help! Criticism is a part of life, when done constructively the lessons can be learnt but done destructively and the message is often lost.Disagreeing is also a part of life but done in a negative judgmental way it feels a lot like judgement of the worst kind!
Mommy wars are never going to end because moms don’t want them to end!
Be kind people! And remember what your mothers told you “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything!”
*I am in no way saying forums/groups are bad. I am just saying for me it was easier to remove myself because I battle to seperate myself from what is being said and done, so invariably end up getting involved.
20 Responses
All the feelings lady, all of them. I do think for some being mean is the only way they know how to deal with the never ending stream of self doubt. And, some of those who are down right ugly on forums, probably are like that in real life.
Mostly I just ignore all the crazy that goes on there. I’m working really hard on not judging others, curbing my jealousy of how easy it is for other, and just doing my own thing as best I can.
Cassey Toi recently posted…The author who started it all
I guess I a too uncontroversial to get in to them – or choose not to say too much. But i totally agree of course. Also, sometimes one can respectfully over social media also disagree – it’s a “tone of voice” type of thing often
cat@jugglingact recently posted…Need something to read?
This is very true, I am often astounded at how quick mothers are to judge on these forums and groups…so sad, this human condition…:-(
Sadly the anonymity of being online brings out the worst in some people. As you say…. if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it. Good on you for moving forward.
Bright Side of Life recently posted…Reasons to be cheerful ~ March
You know Laura, I totally agree with you. You and I have had disagreements in the past that never turned ugly or spiteful. It’s possible to agree to disagree and leave it at that. Personally, I think it has a lot to do with a persons emotional maturity. Note that I said not age but emotional maturity, before my comment gets misconstrued as a young versus older mom war too, that’s not the point I’m making.
The more time I’ve spent online, the more I’ve learned to not take it all too seriously and when you can do that, it really does help not get one all hot under the collar about issues that may or may not have ANYTHING to do with anyone else.
The Blessed Barrenness recently posted…Careers Day taught me I did NOT miss my calling as a teacher!
I know the post you talking about. I saw your reply this morning and I totally agree with you. I really wonder if they will speak that way face to face?! What happened to support?! Some of these “moms” on facebook are so judgemental and they forget it actually hurts.
Shaney Vijendranath recently posted…10 Value for Money Baby items you can find at Game stores
Those online forums are the worst. People are just so self righteous and bold behind the shield of a screen – we’ve had many experiences of this. I never get involved in those topics now because I value my sanity – I’m so over it.
Also people with one kid that is a certain way think that all kids are the same and so can’t even begin to open their options up in terms of there being differences out there. Silly, but hopefully they will learn eventually.
Cindy recently posted…Just When You Think It’s Over…
Clearly this one has been brewing for you for a while! I’m a big fan of walking away when things get negative – I just don’t need those kinds of episodes or people in my life. Let’s live and let live and support each other as parents, mothers or just as women who each make our own choices in this crazy thing called life, right?
Michelle Reeves (bodfortea) recently posted…Fab Mothers Day presents for an active Mama!
Ok so I simultaneously feel ashamed and also justified in reading this post. I was one of the people commenting on that thread. And while I agree some women got downright nasty and personal unnecessarily, I do believe the forum thread was justified. Stealing my email address to spam me with unsolicited advertising is bullshit. I don’t care if it didn’t affect my “well-being” as such, it affected my time.
And also – probably more importantly – it definitely made me doubt whether I should stay on that forum if a simple comment to someone on a different post was used by someone completely different to steal addresses for their personal purposes. If I can’t even trust to put my email address down on one thread without it being abused, could I trust that my very real fears and questions posed to that forum won’t be abused too?
SheBee recently posted…Change of plans. No biggie.
Sheena I am not really arguing what they did – I accept it was wrong but I really feel they were treated unfairly. It is possible they didn’t realise what they were doing wasn’t right. We both know the reality is when you put your email out there it’s up for grabs!! Regardless of that – a mail to them and even admin would really have been enough!! The other thing that bugged me was the searching of their private FB pages! That’s really not cool
Forgot to click the comments notifier thingie.
SheBee recently posted…Change of plans. No biggie.
I agree! It is not a competition to see who is the best mommy. Flip…we all make way too many mistakes and I know that I often look back on my children’s growing years and I know that “LOVE covered a multitude of sins.
Lynette Jacobs recently posted…Our Natal vacation (Part one)
So true, typing away emotionally overloaded comments happens too easily in online forums. Then the excuse “we are all women and this what happens when you have so many women in one room discussing controversial issues” – I think this sort of comment is often a cop-out when things get too heated and do very little for the true character and value of woman.
chevslife recently posted…Dear Mainstream Teacher
at times like this I’m glad I’m not involved on all these social media networks but a part of me is super curious to find out what happened 🙂
Marcia (123 blog) recently posted…{Friendship Friday} When the moms are friends, but not the kids
I fed most of my kids Purity, if they would eat it. I also fed them home made baby food, when they would eat it. It was a case of getting them to eat something, rather than have their refusal to eat what I want them to eat result in their health being compromised due to malnutrition/starvation.
Well said, Laura.
It’s really amazing how we miss out on good relationships when we are so stuck in our mindsets. I remember when I first joined a mom’s group and one of the moms was giving another lady some advice about waiting four hours to feed her baby (when I believe in feeding on demand) and I just decided right there that we would never get on. Fast forward two years and we are now good friends. I often get her to look after Nicky.
Thanks also for being so understanding about that sponsor – I thought you would hate me but we got through it. I think it is a mark of good friendship that you can move on from disagreements.
I am so glad I met you, Laura, and I know we will do great things for moms and bloggers!
Heather recently posted…Five Ways Your Toddler Thinks Differently To You
Excellent piece and well done for being able to step away when need be. Of course I’m dead curious about the thread in question and where it was 🙂
Sula recently posted…My Son Heath, travelling light to a new destination
Now I am super curious to find out what happened!!!
The issue I have found with SM is that many of us sadly find it easy to lash out because of the ‘anonymity’ it provides.
Mrs FF recently posted…Silent Sunday….
Ai this is why I am glad that I am so out of the loop 98% of the time. The “anonymity” of the internet makes people crazy sometimes.
Sam recently posted…Shifts…
I realised early on in my parenting journey that I was not going to hang out in the forums. We were dealing with ADHD at the time and the judgement was AWFUL. So, I have mostly stayed away from them. That said, I now MUST know what happened.
Honestly, I don’t know why they won’t just be adult about it and respect the choices of others.